Stuck in Lawndale
by Neal C
Summary: By some trick of fate I change a Daria universe and because of that change I am cursed to be... Stuck in Lawndale!
1. New Beginnings (A Prologue)

New Beginnings – A Psuedo-Essay 

New Beginnings – A Psuedo-Essay 

**By Neal C.**

** **

****The church was empty.Everyone who wanted to had already paid their 'respects'.There weren't many, but there were more than she would have expected.She lay there, looking much like she did in life.There was no makeup to give the pretension of life, as she had requested.There was no beautiful gown, she wore what she would have had she been in attendance at the funeral.Her boots were firmly on her feet and her jacked was zipped halfway up.She looked like she was sleeping.But something was missing.

Out of the darkness on one side of the church stepped a young man.He was her age, or thereabouts.At first glance he may have been mistaken for her best friend's older brother.But if you looked closer, his hair was purple and his eyes were intense behind his small wire rimmed glasses.He wore a black t-shirt, blue jeans that had obviously seen better days and heavy Doc Martin work boots.Topping it all off was a large leather trench-coat.

With a determined stride he approached the pulpit and the casket it contained.Looking down on her his eyes misted slightly.He steeled his gaze and silently reprimanded himself.Then he reached into the inner pocket of his coat, and pulled out a pair of glasses with thick round black frames.Carefully and gently he set them in their proper place on her face.

"There." He said quietly in a tired voice. "Perfect."Then he turned to face the empty pews.

"Were you all so blind?" He sneered, quietly."If you had stayed and listened she might still be with us.**But no**.You say it's time to pack up and move on.Well, I can't argue with that logic.But we don't have to completely abandon her.I have a life, with other things to do.**But.I'm.Still.Here!**Beside her.Where are you?She's only truly gone if we don't take the time.To watch and to write."

"I'm as cynical as all of you.I know that once 'Is it College Yet' rolls its ending credits it's the end.After that we have slightly less than a snowball's chance in hell of seeing her on television ever again.But here."He pulled out a notebook."**Here **she still lives.And she will live as long as we want her to.I know I came into this,"He points at the notebook. "Pretty late in the game.And I'm not saying we shouldn't move on.But I am saying we can always come back, always visit.It's not hard and it doesn't cut in to our time that much."

"I'm also a realist, however.And I've accepted the inevitable loss.I know that most of you will run like roaches with the lights on as soon as the series ends.On to Bigger and Better things.As will I, but I'll remember and I will watch and I will keep writing.And for me, she'll always be here.To those of you who will leave and not look back, I say goodbye, I'm disappointed but I didn't expect any better.To those of you who will come back and write some when you can, I'll see you around.And finally to those who don't want to change, who want to stay instead of just visiting.We do have to move on, just don't move too far or you'll lose sight."

He looked around and shook his head at the silence.He sat on the pulpit steps and hung his head.Emotionally exhausted.Then he looked at his notebook and tilted his head in thought.Producing a pen and opening the notebook, he wrote a few sentences.

The clapping startled him.Looking up he saw her.She was sitting in the front pew and smirking.He smirked back and stood up.Sitting down next to her, he looked over at her.

"So, how did I do?"

She gazed into the middle distance, deep in thought.Finally she answered."I don't know, but I'm up and talking.So it couldn't have been bad."

He shook his head."Yeah, but how long will it last?"

"How long will you keep writing?"

He shrugged."As long as I can, I guess."

She nodded.He stood and offered her his arm.She stood and took it.Together they walked towards the door.

"C'mon," He said."Lets get you some sunlight, you look like a ghost." He smirked

She quirked an eyebrow."I'm not sure I want you writing for me if all your jokes are as bad as that one."

He gave her a lopsided grin. "So, you up for pizza?"

"Always."

"Good, then go meet Jane.If I'm not mistaken there's money in your pocket."

She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out some money.Then she looked up with dawning realization."Aren't you coming with us?"

He looked down at her a smirked, sadly."Nah.I've said what I had to say, so I can't really hang around much longer.Besides don't you want to know what happens when you get to the Pizza King?"

She nodded."Yeah, but don't you?"

He nodded."That's why I have to go write it."

She looked thoughtful."So who's writing now?"

"I dunno' my subconscious I guess."

"So you're dreaming."

He seemed to think about it."Yeah, I guess that's as good an explanation as any."

She shrugged."Then let your subconscious do its work.Hang around as long as you can."

He sighed."Okay, I'll meet you at the Pizza King, but I have to do something first."

She fell into her usual affable sarcasm."It's not another woman is it?"

He looked at her, then quirked his eyebrow.

She smirked."Okay, I'll see you later then… right?"

He nodded."I promise."

She nodded and walked up the street.He turned back toward the cemetery and looked for the grave marker.When he didn't find it, he walked into the church.There was no casket, no trace anything had happened.He nodded his head subtly.

"Perfect."He turned and walked out of the church.He had to meet an old friend for lunch and he wasn't going to be late."Hmmm.Better end things right here."He mumbled to himself.Then stopped and pulled out his notebook and pen.The two words wouldn't come.But nine others did.

"What have I gotten myself into?" He looked down at his notebook and the nine words.They were at the top of the page and written boldly.

Stuck in Lawndale

**By Neal C.**

TO BE CONTINUED 

Author's Notes:I wrote the beginning of this in response to Ruthless Bunny's essays.It wasn't supposed to go where it went but my muse hit me in the head with a shovel, now I'm stuck in Lawndale.This could be interesting.As for me looking like Trent, SBBED .D suggested that I did when I did my Daria Force poster.And I suppose I do, whatever.But watch out for the next fic in this series and Dega's Irregulars #2.Please E-mail me at [NetUrza@hotmail.com][1] because I **Really, Really want to hear what you have to say about this one**

As always Daria and any other Daria cast member belong to Mtv which belongs to Viacom which belongs to Satan.So Please don't sue me, I don't have anything to make it worthwhile anyway.

   [1]: mailto:NetUrza@hotmail.com



	2. Falling on Dega

Stuck in Lawndale

Stuck in Lawndale

**By Neal C.**

** **

** **

Ch. 1 

**Falling on Dega**

** **

With each step I told myself, _it's all a dream._Thing was, I already knew that.It had to be didn't it?I mean if I wasn't dreaming, and I wasn't writing, then how could I be stuck.And in Lawndale of all places!

I paused and looked down at the notepad in my hand.It had seen better days; it was battered, dog-eared and scuffed.I turned to the previous page.It contained my sermon to the Daria Community.The one I read in the church.I had scratched out most of it hoping that it would make Daria and Jane and everyone else forget.I turned further back to find ripped out pages where the story began.I couldn't remember how I ended up here and the pages weren't there to tell me.

_That's right.How did I get there in the first place?First I was typing at my computer then…Best not to dwell on it.But everything in the church had changed, after I talked to Daria.How much did she remember?How much did they all remember?How much do I remember?_

"Dammit, what do I do now?" I mumbled to my self._I guess I do as I promised and have pizza with Daria and Jane.Hell, I guess it's my turn to go out and play in the hallucination.Hmmm.Maybe I should avoid contact with others though, who knows what else could happen._I started to walk again._Wait, how do I get to the Pizza King?_

"Aw, hell."

So I kept walking.I figured if I kept pounding pavement I would either find the Pizza King or a payphone.Instead, I found myself on Dega Street.Which would have been great, except it was getting dark and all the shops were closed.Sighing, I sat on the curb to think over my fate.

Then I felt the vibrations._I know that hum, that's a guitar!Hmmm, power chords, bad vibes.It's gotta be The Zon._

__I stood; I could hear the music now.Or, more precisely, I could feel the chords.I walked towards the source.The Zon was just like in the show; run down, dirty, boarded up windows.But now there was also a humanized gorilla guarding the door.He was holding a clipboard and letting in the people on "the list".

_Oh yeah, like he can read.Ugh, he isn't gonna let me in.What do I do now?Bluff._

__I walked up and made as if to go inside.Just as I figured he would, he grabbed me roughly by the shoulder. 

"Where d'ya think yer goin'?" He asked, not removing his hand.

"Inside.I know I'm not on the list, but I have an urgent message," now for the gamble, "For… Trent Lane."

"Oh yeah? Who from?"

"His sister Jane." _That's right, play it cool.He can't get to you; he's a minor annoyance… a minor annoyance that could throw you across the street._

He eyed me suspiciously."Well, you can give it to me.I'll make sure he gets it."

_Just buy it asshole._"Uh, now.Jane really wanted me to tell him in person."

"Tell who what?"I heard a familiar feminine voice drawl from behind me.

_Oh hell, just what I need._I sighed and turned around.When I saw her I'm fairly certain my jaw dropped.Now you get the Idea that Jane is good looking by watching the show.But it does no justice to how she looked in person.Maybe it's just 'cause I go for that type of girl, but either way…_Damn… she… she's perfect._

As I stood there goggling and trying to get my brain to function, the bouncer spoke up."Jane, do you know this chump?"

I guess she recognized my expression.She either felt sorry for me or wanted to get to know me better.Either way she eyed me up and down then finally smirked and spoke.

"Yeah, I know him, he's with me… You can let go now Dino."

Dino grudgingly let go of my shoulder.Jane grabbed me by my arm and dragged me into the club before he could say anything else.I guess I was still on autopilot because she kind of looked at me weird as we approached the bar.

"You can pick up your jaw now." She smirked as I turned red. "Yeah, I noticed."

I guess that brought me more or less back to reality.As we sat at the bar my thoughts were racing._Aww, hell.I must look like an idiot.Now what do I say?Damn lack of social skills._

She was watching me with interest as I sat.I was deep in thought and embarrassed self-loathing.She smirked and finally said."So, what's your name?"

"Uh… Neal."_That's it?!Say something else stupid!_

"Okay 'Uh…Neal'.Why did you invoke the name of Jane the Great, Artiste Extraordinaire…to get into this dump?"

"Oh, I wanted to hear the band, I've heard great things."_Idiot! Now you sound like a sarcastic asshole… Wait.Here that could be a good thing._

"Ha! At least you have a sense of humor.Now, really."

I sighed. "Really?Well I needed to use a payphone."

She arched an eyebrow."With this noise? Good luck."

I smirked."Yeah, I guess it was a bad idea.I guess it's too late now anyway."

She looked at me kind of apprehensively."Oh.Hot date?"

_I'm glad it's not.Daria's pretty and all but you…and our personalities are closer…_ I gave her a rueful smile."Nah, nothing like that.More like a late lunch with a friend.I was supposed to be at a place called the Pizza King.But I got lost."_Great how do I tell her the truth?_

"Tough break.New in town?"

I nodded."You could say that."

"So who'd you stand up?"She was still looking a little nervous._Whoa, does she like me.Nah, can't be… Does she know who I am!?Better tell her the truth, the sooner the better._

I sighed and looked away."You and Daria."

I braced myself to be slapped or yelled at.It didn't come.I apprehensively looked back to Jane.To my surprise she was smiling.

"So you're the mystery writer!I guess you aren't a hallucination."

That caught me off guard and my sarcasm center took over. "Not the last time I checked, but that's what anti-psychotic drugs are for.So… you aren't mad at me?"

"I guess I can't blame you for getting lost… but how did you get lost in Lawndale?"

I shrugged."Dunno.How did Daria take it when I didn't show."

"She was more bewildered than mad I think.I couldn't get her to say why.She said you'd explain it all.So, explain."

I nodded."That's probably a good idea.Lets go for a walk.I could use the fresh air.I'll try to explain."

"Okay, where are we going?"

"Infinity and beyond?It's your town, you guide me."

"Sound like a plan, let's go."

We walked for a while.I tried to explain what happened as best as I could.She seemed to accept it, just as Daria had.We finally found ourselves in front of the Lane Estate.We stood on the sidewalk and watched the moon and stars for awhile.Thinking and letting things sink in.

Finally after what seemed an eternity of silence, Jane spoke."So…you're a writer.You made this version of our universe or at least you write about it.Daria died because her show was cancelled and people were going to stop writing.But you showed up and brought her back by warning other writers to keep writing.And as long as this bunch of losers."She looked at me for a second. "Sorry, no offense to you or your friends."

I smirked. I'd been called worse and this wasn't exactly a stress free evening for her."Don't be, it's alright." 

She nodded and continued."As long as you guys keep writing we'll all be alright.Then you talked to Daria and promised to meet us for pizza after you cleared some things up.After you did this you got stuck here and this is all some psychotic episode on your part, or a dream or something.We aren't event real, and this is a story that you should be writing.Buuuut, your subconscious took over and is telling the story so even you don't know how it ends.Is that about right?"

I just stood there trying to think of something comforting to say.

Interpreting my silence as assent Jane continued. "Great.Perfect.Lovely.Just when you think things can't get worse.This is just… I don't know.It's right out of fucking Sick Sad World or something!"

I looked at her."Close, but not exactly.I think you're as real as I am, just in a different world.I don't know how I ended up here, or how I get back or… or if I can get back. But that's neither here nor there.I think after I'm gone, you'll still be here, so will everyone else."

She gazed off into the distance."So what was so important that you had to clear it up instead of go with Daria and explain this to me together."She sounded hurt.

"I… I erased the funeral.Maybe that screwed things up enough to get me stuck here.I dunno.Lot of good it did, you're still hurting.Daria probably is too, not that she'd ever let on.But everyone else seemed to forget.Then…"I shrugged and trailed off.

It had gotten chilly out and Jane was hugging herself against the cold._Here's your chance, show her you're a good guy.She's been through the wringer tonight.She needs courage._I shrugged off my trench coat and draped it over her shoulders.

"Here you look like you need it more than I do."I gave her a lop-sided grin.

"Yeah, thanks." She sounded distant._Well what do you expect?You just gave her the shock of her life.At least you erased the funeral before you got stuck...Yeah but I had to tell her about it afterwards._

She looked over at me and said, "You know I was wondering.What is the story?"She stared at me, waiting for an answer.

I was more surprised by my next move than she was.As a rule I don't go for physical contact of any kind.Especially with people I've just met.But this seemed to be a special situation.I stepped over and put my arm around her shoulder.

"I dunno.I guess we'll just have to drum it up on our own.Pure gonzo journalism."

To my surprise she drew herself closer."Hunter S. Thompson.Fear and Loathing in Lawndale.Sounds like a good story."She looked up and smirked at me._There's the Jane I know._

"You've read Thompson?"

"Nah, I watched the movie with Daria."She looked up at me."Um… I guess I should ask.You got a place to stay?"

_Dammit, another unforeseen problem.I don't know if my ATM card will work here either… UGH!_I shook my head."Nope, didn't plan on getting stranded in a different world.This ruins my preparedness record.Damn parallel dimensions!"I smirked.

She tilted her head towards the house."Great!You can crash in Wind's old spot.Mom and Dad are both out of the country for the next few months so they won't mind.And I don't think Trent will even notice."She got on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek."Thanks for explaining things… uh and uh, yeah."Things were getting awkward.

Then she turned and walked towards the house, ending the moment as abruptly as I had began it.I stood there looking at the sky and rubbing my cheek._Whoa, what the hell am I doing!Coming on to Jane?Was she coming on to me?I don't like where this is going.Damn, this is getting really complicated.__No way, she's just freaked out by everything.And she's a little out of character at the moment.It'll just be affable sarcasm tomorrow, you'll see.Yeah but do I want it to be?Man you're falling._

I rubbed my temples.A headache was rapidly forming.

"Coming?!?" Jane yelled from inside the doorway.

"Yeah!" I called back. _Am I falling?_I looked at the sky for some form of guidance or assurance.When none came, I turned and headed for the house.

Author's notes:I'll be brief.I wanted to explore what I would do if I got stuck in Lawndale.So I started writing these stories.They're kind of like and experimental art piece, as in yeah I know it's weird.The next Installment will be about my first full day in Lawndale, as I try to get used to the places and people while Daria and Jane show me around.

About Jane: Yes I know she's out of character after I explain things.But if someone dropped a bomb like that on me I'd kinda be out of character too.Some of you might think she was out of character before.But she's gone off with guys that she didn't know before (Bobby Bighead, That rat bastid poochie) so I don't think she is until I explain things.Also some of you may think it's blasphemy that I would rather go out with Jane than Daria.It's just that Jane and I match up much better, personality wise.I'm just as cynical, sarcastic and fiercely individualistic as Daria and Jane, but like Jane I'm also a little more open to new experience (Hence purple hair, multiple peircings and aspirations towards tattoos).And I'm a slave to my arts (vices), of which I have two, writing (DUH!) and my guitar (I'm much better than Trent in case you're wondering.)

Well I guess it's way too late for brevity (sigh) I guess I'm just long winded.But like I said this is an experimental art piece and I would really like to hear what you have to say about it.Please email me and tell me at [NetUrza@hotmail.com][1].

** **

   [1]: mailto:NetUrza@hotmail.com



	3. Fear and Loathing In Lawndale

Stuck In Lawndale

****

Stuck In Lawndale

By Neal C

Ch2 – Fear and Loathing In Lawndale

I woke with a small shout and sat bolt upright. My eyes were wide with fear and I was breathing heavily. Fortunately the nightmare was already fading and I couldn't recall any of it. After a few seconds I calmed down and my breathing slowed. I reached a still shaking hand to the night stand and picked up my glasses.

I almost shouted again when the room came into focus. It wasn't mine. _Where the hell am I? What is going on? _Then it hit me, the memories came crashing back, slamming me straight into the harsh reality of the waking world.

"Oh yeah. So it wasn't a dream." I put my head in my hands and sighed. "I guess I'd better get up."

"I should say so." Jane was standing in the doorway, already dressed. "It's noon already. Bad dreams?"

"Yeah, I guess I have some things to work out." 

She nodded. "I know how that is." 

I laughed, a mirthless hollow sound. "No…no you don't."

There was sadness in her eyes, but it wasn't pity. Thank god it wasn't pity. I don't think I could have stood being pitied. "I guess I don't." All was quiet for an excruciating moment, the she sighed and spoke. "Well, I have coffee brewing downstairs. The shower's at the end of the hall. I'll call Daria and we'll show you around town."

After I showered and dressed, I headed downstairs. Jane was sitting at the kitchen table. I smelled coffee. I walked into the kitchen.

"Yo. Coffee's on the stove. Daria's on her way over."

"Cool" I walked over to the coffee pot, a mid fifties percolator. "Coffee…"

"My aren't we articulate this afternoon." Jane sipped her coffee.

"You don't get up before noon unless you have to either." I pointed out, sitting across from her.

"True, but usually Trent's the only one I can razz on for sleeping later than me. Now I have you!" She smirked.

"Now I have a purpose. You're quite the motivational speaker. Now you have to get a tweed jacket with leather elbows and tour the country."

"Hmmm. My Life Is Much Worse Than Yours So Feel Good About Yer'self. It does have a nice ring to it. Oh and speaking of jackets, your coat is still in my room."

I turned red and my hands were suddenly very interesting. _Idiot, that was so out of character for you. What do I say now?_

"Your lipstick was still on my cheek."_ Nice one bonehead._

Jane's eyes went wide and she bit her bottom lip. She was gathering her wits for a reply when the front door opened. Jane turned and shouted out the kitchen door.

"We're in here Daria!"

The reply that came wasn't Daria's. "It's me Janey! Do I smell coffee!"

"Yeah! Come have some!"

Trent ambled into the kitchen, looking like hell warmed over.

"Rough night?" Jane asked

"Yeah. Max's post gig party got out of hand." He walked over to the coffee pot. Just as he was going to get some coffee he stopped cold and turned around. "Who's your boyfriend?"

"I'm not…" 

Jane cut me off. "This is Neal. He's new in town." 

I stared at Jane. _What was that for… What did that mean?_

Trent nodded and walked over. He offered his hand. "Trent Lane, Lead guitar and front man for Mystik Spiral."

I shook his hand. "Neal C. Former lyricist and guitarist for NBWM."

"NBWM?"

I smirked. It was an old joke one of my friends made up about the band. "No Band Worth Mentioning."

"Cool. If you wanna Jam, I'm in the basement when I'm not… somewhere else."

"No can do. Uh… I just had to leave home, see the world. Had to travel light. It sucks."

"Yeah, Neal's crashing in Wind's old room for awhile." Jane offered.

Trent nodded. "I know how that is. Sucks though… I guess you can use one of my guitars 'til you get your own. How long you stayin'?"

"Until I get my own place I guess."

Trent smirked. "I'm sure Wind won't mind you crashing, and the 'rents won't be around long enough to notice. Stay as long as you want."

"Thanks."

"No problem." He yawned prodigiously. "I think I'm gonna hit the sack. 'Night guys."

Jane quirked an eyebrow. "What about your coffee?"

"Oh yeah. Uh, save some for me." With that he walked out of the kitchen.

"He won't make it past the couch." Jane said. Just then we heard a soft thump from the living room. "See. So, you were in a band?"

I nodded. "I guess you could call it that. More like a punk trio."

"Sure it wasn't a boyband?" Jane smirked. I gave her a look that could kill small animals. "Just kidding." I nodded and smirked back at her.

"I know… Um about what Trent said." I looked out the kitchen window.

"What did Trent say." Jane used her most innocent voice. _She isn't gonna make this any easier is she?_

"Well…" But before I could continue the front door opened again.

"In the kitchen!" Jane called.

There was no verbal response but the sound of heavy boots heralded Daria's arrival. She walked into the kitchen and froze when she saw me.

"You're still here?" she asked, more than a little bewildered. But trying valiantly not to show it.

I turned to Jane. "You didn't tell her?"

Jane shrugged. "I thought she knew."

I shook my head. "Nope." I turned back to Daria. "I'm stuck."

"How?"

I shrugged. "Dunno, but I am. Probably for a long time. I think it had something to do with me changing the world so drastically but I'm not sure."

She nodded. "Well weirder things have happened. Remember the Holidays Jane?

Jane rolled her eyes. "Yeah.."

"So how about I get to know Lawndale?"

"I don't know, should we let him in?" Daria asked Jane.

"The force is strong with this one." Jane said.

"Star Wars reference. Original." I deadpanned.

"Definitely the dark side." Jane quipped and smirked.

"Can we trust him?" Daria said.

"Who cares if we can trust him, he's cute." Jane said

I choked on my coffee, and dropped the cup. "What!" I managed to sputter. Jane started laughing and even Daria smirked.. "Sure, laugh at the dying man."

"Killed with love." Daria pointed out.

"I said you're cute." Jane leaned forward. "Doing anything tonight?"

I just stared. _What do I do now? Falling? Hell I just landed on my ass!_

"If this is going to turn into the Dating Game, I'm leaving." Daria announced, standing up.

I finally spoke up. "Don't. Jane… let's see how today goes before we think about tonight. I'm confused enough as it is, I… I just need to think about it. Okay?" I looked over at Jane. 

"Okay."

"Now I believe you guys were going to show me around town?"

Daria nodded and stood. I stood up and stretched then looked at Jane. She stood a little dejectedly. Then she straightened and smiled an evil grin.

"Hey Daria, we'll meet you outside. I wanna tell Neal something."

Daria raised an eyebrow and smirked. "I'll bet you do. Okay, but hurry up." Then she walked out.

"What?"

"Nothing much… Just this." She walked over, stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. Not the peck on the cheek from last night, but a full on knock you out of your boots kiss. God, and what a kiss. "Something to think about… To help you forget other things."

_Fell right on your ass!_ My mind echoed ruefully. But I disregarded it. Jane was standing there, smirking. Waiting to see if her plan had worked.

"Damn! You must have fried some brain cells with that one. 'Cause I'm done thinking. What are you doing tonight?" I gave her a lop-sided grin.

She hugged me then kissed me again. This time I knew it was coming and could respond properly. I put my arm around her waist and we walked out of the house.

Daria eyed us. "Awfully damn touchy all of a sudden. What happened to thinking?"

I shrugged. "Eh, it's overrated."

With that we walked off into the limbo that is Lawndale. Daria pointed out sites and interesting things as we came to them. Which means that the trip was actually pretty quiet. We arrived at the Pizza King at around three o'clock.

We all chipped in five bucks (thank god I had my wallet). And Daria walked up to the counter to order. After we were settled and the pizza had arrived It started.

"So… You seem to know everything about us, especially Me. But we don't know much about you." Daria said.

I was trapped. Daria sat across from me and Jane had me boxed in. I sighed. _Best to get this over with._

Jane picked up where Daria left off. "So it's time for twenty questions."

I laid my hands flat on the table. "Okay, shoot. Whaddaya want to know."

"Okay, first. What is your last name?" Jane asked.

"I don't know."

"Come again?" Jane was slightly confused.

"Well, I guess this is a chance to start over. So I should choose a new name."

"Sounds reasonable." Daria said. "Next question. Where were you from?"

"Kansas… Unfortunately." I smirked.

Daria raised an eyebrow and Jane snickered.

"Well, I know you're a guitarist. Are you any good?" Jane asked.

"You'll just have to find out. But I swear I'm better than Trent."

"That's not saying much." Daria added.

"I know."

"So any romantic interests?" Daria asked. I knew she was worried about me hurting Jane. 

I looked her in the eyes. "Just Jane." 

"So you and Jane **are** together? That'll take getting used to."

I nodded. "I know. I'm used to relationships where I'm more of a fashion accessory than an equal partner."

"Well get used to it. Why do you think I want you around?" Jane pointed her pizza slice at me.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, sure." Then I noticed movement at the doors. Swirls of blue and yellow. "God, not today."

Daria looked at me. "What?"

I pointed. "Kevin and Brittany."

Jane arched an eyebrow. "Hmm. It's Saturday, what are they doing off of the Old Quarry Road." Just as if they had heard her, they walked over.

"Hey Daria, Jane… Uh, guy." Brittany squeeked.

"Hey, who's your new friend?" Kevin asked.

I affected a fake British accent, think Sid Vicious. "I'm Nails."

Daria picked up the ruse. "He's an international assassin for hire."

Then Jane joined in. "But he's semi-retired and living in Lawndale now."

"Ass-ass-in? So you're a butt doctor?" Kevin asked me. 

I shook my head and stood. I grabbed him by the front of his jersey.

"Hey! I have to pay to clean this." He protested.

I held on, and spoke to him in a low voice. "No it means I get paid to kill people." I looked around the room, then back at Kevin. "But don't tell anyone. I know where you live." I let go of his shirt. He was scared out of his wits. He backed off then turned and ran out the door. Then I nodded at Brittany and gave her my lop sided grin.

She had been talking at Daria and Jane, and hadn't noticed what Kevin had done. She looked around and when she didn't see him she stormed out.

Jane turned to Daria. "Oooh. He's good."

"Yeah but it was just the block head duo. Lets see how he does against the princess of pleather and her honor guard." Daria pointed at a booth a few down from ours. There were Quinn and the three J's, who were waiting on her hand and foot.

"Well I say that I've lost my appetite. Let's box the pizza and get out of here." I looked at Daria, who nodded in agreement. Then at Jane who grabbed my hand.

"Let's get out of here." We all stood.

Then I looked at Quinn's booth again. "Wait, I got an Idea." I picked up the half of our pizza that was left. Then walked over to Quinn's booth. "Um excuse me."

She looked up. When she saw me her face darkened. "Ugh. Like why would I talk to you?"

I nodded towards Daria and Jane. "I heard about your condition. It's a tough battle, but you'll pull through. Here." I laid the pizza on her table. "You need this more than I do."

"UGH! Pepperoni and Cheese? What are you doing? And what condition?!"

"Constipation of the Brain and Diarrhea of the mouth."

Her jaw dropped. "Wha! Well I never…"

"Think?" I finished for her.

"You! You!"

"Oh, you're right. I gotta go." With that I walked over to Daria and Jane. "What about the princess of pleather?" I put one arm around Jane's shoulders and the other around Daria's. She stiffened up, but I didn't budge. "Now we can go."

"Well how was your day?" Jane asked as we walked up the street.

I smirked. "Well I didn't meet a whole bunch of new people. I made Quinn want to throw me down a well. And I'm going home with two bonus friends. All in all a good day."

Daria looked at me. "I've heard something like that before. Are you stealing my material?"

"Nah, Mtv sold it at a yard sale. Cheap too." I grinned.

"Figures."

"So now that we know they sold your soul piece by piece, what do we do now?" Jane asked.

I shrugged. "Sick Sad World's on."

Daria pulled a watch out of her jacket pocked. "You're right. How did you know?"

"Call it a hunch."

Daria turned to Jane. "Your house or mine?"

"Mine. I don't think we should make him deal with your parents yet."

Daria smirked. "Always the humanitarian."

Jane drew closer to me and put her head on my shoulder. "Only when **my** big dumb animals are in danger."

"R'okay shraggy." I mimicked Scooby.

"You guys are making me sick." Daria deadpanned

"R'okay Velmra" I grinned again.

Daria rolled her eyes. "This is definitely going to take getting used to."


	4. MECH-anics of Friendship

MECH-anics of Friendship

A Stuck in Lawndale Vignette

**By Neal C.**

**Introductory Note: This takes place between 'Fear and Loathing in Lawndale' and 'Party'.**

            Night had fallen and the air was oddly still, the pine barrens were stark and desolate.  In the background the outpost was in flames and well on its way to collapse.  Two gigantic forms stood in the shadows of a copse of redwoods, silently watching the aftermath.

            The larger form turned away from the wreckage.  The smaller one just stood and watched it burn.  It had seen better days.  Smoke drifted lazily from numerous carbon scorches.  It was nothing that couldn't be fixed, but getting somewhere to fix it would be a problem.  It twisted on its torso to look at the larger mech.  It was in much worse condition, it was obviously limping when it moved and was missing its left arm.

            As the smaller mech's pilot watched the firebase burn her comm beeped.  "You alright Muse?"

            She clicked her comm on. "Yeah, I'm fine.  My left leg is in the yellow, but other than that I'm a hundred percent. You look like shit though, Nails."

            "I'll be alright.  You did well out there.  Are you sure you haven't done this before?"

            "What do you mean 'good'?  I saw the enemy, yelled for you guys, then ran and hid." She said, guiltily.

            "That was your job.  The Osiris is built for recon, not combat.  You wouldn't have lasted five seconds against The Cynic's assault force.  They had an Atlas for cryin' out loud.  You spotted them and called in our defense force, you did your job."

            "We still lost.  Your Bushwacker wasn't built for a firefight that intense either.  As a matter of fact none of out stuff was."

            "I didn't think this installation would have been that great a target. I don't know why she sent in the big guns...  Well all that matters is that we're alive.  That means we haven't lost the war.  We'd better get a move on.  As efficient as Cynic is, she'll have them combing the woods for us as soon as they're done with the base."

            "How far is the dust-off?"

            "Twelve klicks south-east.  We'll have to go back around the base.  If we run into trouble, head for the cover of the trees and run towards nav-point Charlie.  That's the dust off.  None of her armor can out run you, you have a good chance of making it."

            _With his damage that's a death march. _"What about you?"

            "I'll find a way, or I'll make one… or I'll die trying."

            "I think you should be The Cynic… or maybe The Melodramatic."

            "Hey!  Lets get a move on."

            With that the larger mech turned southward and started to slowly limp its way southward.  Muse just shook her head and pushed the throttle of the mech up to quarter speed.  They walked steadily southeast, always keeping the burning firebase to the right.  They had covered quite a bit of ground and the firebase was well behind them when her HUD picked up a hostile signal.  She flipped her comm on.

            "Nails!"

"What?"

            "Nails, is that as fast as you can go?"

            "Yeah, my left hip actuator is shot."

            "Well we've got company, just ahead of us and to the left."

            Nails tapped his helmet, the HUD fuzzed a bit and returned to normal.  It didn't show any enemy.  "Are you sure?"

            "Yeah, the BAP picked it up.  It must have electronic counter measures, I can't tell what it is."

            "ECM?  It must be The Cynic herself."

            _That's what I was afraid of. _"What do we do?"

            "What's your ammo situation?"

            Muse looked at the gauges. "I have two SRM volleys left.  Then I have the medium lasers."

            "Cool.  I've got six shots for my auto-cannon, but my missiles are depleted.  Our mediums won't do much good."

            "What about your large laser?"

            "I can't dissipate the heat."

            "I guess this is it then.  We can't outrun her." Muse looked at her throttle.  _Well, I could._

"No, **we **can't.  But **you **can." Nails answered.

            "I'm not running, not this time."

            "Okay, save your missiles though.  Shoot for the legs.  If I go down or she starts gunning for you then you run as fast as you can for the drop zone.  That's an order."

            Just then another behemoth entered the clearing.  Muse stared at it in awe.  It had to be four meters taller than her Osiris and at least forty tons heavier.  It stopped and looked at them.  It was The Cynic in her infamous Black Knight.  

            "Looks like the end of the road my friends." Came a deadpan voice, over the open frequency. "Remember this is nothing personal.  Just business." With that the Black Knight opened fire on Nails.  The PPC's hit their mark on the top of the Bushwacker's chassis, driving it to the ground.

            "Shoot the Legs!" came Nails' scream over the comm.

            Muse shook herself out of her fugue and started firing her medium lasers at the Black Knight's legs.  This unbalanced it enough to stop it's firing.  It turned to face Muse.  Just as it raised its arms to fire its side was ripped open as Nail's auto-cannon hit home.  Muse looked over at the Bushwacker.  It was back on its feet but it was clearly overheated, smoke was pouring out of all of its functional heat sinks.  It fired again, catching the Knight in the chest, driving it back a step.

            "Muse!  Run… Now!" Nails' voice came over the comm as he fired again.  This time The Cynic was ready and fired back at the same time.  The Bushwacker was once again driven to the ground.  This time the running lights dimmed, the Bushwacker was out of the fight.  The Black Knight turned back towards the Osiris.

            Muse stared at the scene, wide eyed.  Nails was the best mech pilot she had ever seen.  This wasn't how it was supposed to end, not on some backwater planet duking it out with a mercenary company.  Muse never noticed as The Cynic took aim, the next thing she knew she was on her back and everything was glowing red.  Above her The Cynic took aim for a finishing shot.  Then, as before, Nails saved her bacon.  The shots tore the left arm off of the Black Knight.

            "This ends now." The Cynic said.  The Black Knight turned towards the Bushwacker.  

            Muse managed to get the Osiris to stand up.  The Bushwacker was still prone, but the lights were back on.  Then Nails' voice came over the comm. "Muse, run away… get out of…go…please…out with a bang." The static made most of the message indecipherable but Muse knew what was going to happen.  She turned the Osiris southeast and hit the throttle, full-tilt.  

            As she watched through the rear camera the Black Knight stood over Nails' Bushwacker.  It carefully took aim, a headshot to kill the pilot executioner style.  _She's thorough; I'll give her that._  Then, before The Cynic had a chance to realize her mistake, the Bushwacker exploded.  Muse saw the wave of force and flame coming at her, but she was already going as fast as possible.  

            Muse did the only thing she could do.  Cutting the throttle she hit the jump jets.  As the Osiris flew overhead the flamewave rushed through the forest.  Muse saw the dropship hovering over the drop zone another five kilometers away.  She angled her descent towards it.  She looked at her rear camera screen.  The flamewave had already dissipated but the forest was on fire and would probably be a nuclear wasteland for years to come. 

            She shook her head as she landed and limped toward the drop zone.  "That was a bit melodramatic."

***

            "I am not melodramatic." I said, deadpan.  

            "Yes you are.  You blew yourself up to save me in a videogame." Jane said, taking another bite of pizza.

            "She's got a point." Daria said.

            "Don't you start.  One of us had to make it to the drop zone to win, Jane.  You were the only one capable of motion.  I gave you a fighting chance."

            "That shockwave almost got me.  Besides, you were making that static noise over the comm yourself."  Jane smirked.

            "Well… I was acting."

            "Over acting is more like it." Daria said.

            I stood up, put one hand on my waist and shook my fist in the air. "I am not Melodramatic!"

            "Sure."

**Author's Notes:**  That was a doozie! First off all, I'm finally getting around to filling in the gap between 'Fear and Loathing in Lawndale and 'Party'.  Secondly, I guess this one requires some explaining.  I've written Mechwarrior fics before and I've written Daria fan-fics before so I figured 'why not combine them?  So I did, and I got this.  It's definitely not the best but I like it all right.  

Now some definitions:

Bushwacker:  A medium mech from Mechwarrior 4.  It is 9 meters tall and weighs 55 tons.  I change the load out from the average to one Ultra AC (auto-cannon) 20, on Streak SRM 6 (six homing short range missiles), two one large laser and two tons of high explosives.

Osiris:  A light mech.  It is 7.5 meters tall and weighs 30 tons.  It had three medium lasers and one Streak SRM 6.  It is also the fastest mech in the game with a running speed of around 130kph.

Black Knight: A heavy mech.  It is 10.8 meters tall and weighs 75 tons.  It has two PPCs  (particle projection cannons) and three large lasers.

And, for those of you who play Mechwarrior, I know the high explosives don't work like that, but that's the way they should work.

.           


	5. BEARing It All

BEARing It All

**A Vignette – Two weeks after Arrival**

**By Neal C.**

       I was walking down the street, deep in thought.  I had just had a fight with Jane.

"How could I have been so stupid?" I muttered.

_       Easy, you're a guy.  You aren't aware of your surroundings and act on instinct… Especially when you're hungry.  _

"Shut up.  You aren't helping."

       _It's your own fault.  I mean you've only seen…_

I shook my head and dispelled the thoughts.  "Great now I'm talking to myself." 

        I kept walking not exactly knowing where I was going, and not really caring either.  I ended up in front of a run down, though still imposing edifice.  I realized that I had subconsciously directed myself to the Lawndale public library.  

       "When in doubt find solace in a world not your own…" I said as I pushed the door open.  _Though that phrase only works when you're in you own world already._  

       I walked through the library looking for something, though I didn't know exactly what.  It was much bigger than the one where I was from.   I looked in the non-fiction section, then the fiction section.  I looked in reference and periodicals.  Then I looked in the computer room.  That's where I found what I was looking for.

       She was staring intently at the screen, sifting the web for information.  She didn't notice as I approached, or if she did she gave no sign.  I looked over her shoulder at the screen.  She was at some site devoted to old Soviet weaponry.  "Daria, you're not planning a war are you?" I asked.

       "EEP!" She jumped up and spun around. "Neal?  What are you doing here?"

       I shrugged.  "Having relationship problems.  Yourself?"  

       "I was doing some research for my next Melody Powers story."  She waved vaguely at the computer.  "What do you mean relationship problems?"

       I didn't want to talk about it so I avoided the question.  "What were you researching?"

       "I was looking for a light, Cold War era, submachine gun.  One that's easily concealable."

       I nodded.  "How about the Skorpion."

       "Yeah, I saw some references to that particular gun, but no actual information."

       "You might want to take notes." I took a long breath before going into my spiel. "It was manufactured from 1960 to 1975 in Czechoslovakia.  It was small and very concealable, being more of a machine pistol than a submachine gun.  But that came at a price.  It used 7X65mm or .32 acp ammunition.  That meant it didn't have much stopping power, and it had a very distinctive look, making it easy to identify as Soviet weaponry." 

       After she put down her notepad she raised an eyebrow. "How did you know all of that?"

       I shrugged. "The Cold War interests me.  I like reading those old superspy novels, 007 had it going."

       "It interests me too, although I like making fun of the superspy genre more than reading the actual works.  Thanks for the info." 

       "No problem.  But now you owe me." 

       "What?" She looked at me suspiciously.

       "Oh, nothing much… Just write me into your next Melody Powers story.  I know she's based on you, so you probably have characters based on other people."

       She smirked.  "What make you think I haven't used you already?"

        I shrugged.  "I don't know."

       "Well if I haven't, I will." She put her stuff in her knapsack and looked at the clock on the wall.  "I guess I'd better head home." 

       My shoulders slumped.  I still didn't have anywhere to go, since Jane was mad at me.  I sighed.  "Yeah, I guess I'll see you around."  I turned to leave, then I heard Daria make that noise.  You know, the kind of sigh she gives when her conscience defeats her.

       "Neal… Is something wrong?"

       I shrugged and answered her a faux cheery voice.  "Besides the fact that Jane's mad at me and I have no place to go, I'm fine."  

       She just stared at me flatly, then rolled her eyes. "Do you… want to… talk about it?"

       I turned back towards her. "Honestly, would you want me to?"  She just stood there. "I didn't think so.  I'll just let Jane cool down and then go sniveling back home."

       "Sounds like a plan.  Uh, so what are you going to do until then?"

       "I dunno.  Does this town have an arcade?"

       "Yeah, Mr. Fun's World of Games.  You want me to show you how to get there?"

       "Uh, sure."

       We left the library and headed toward the arcade.  We spent a few hours and more than a few quarters playing games.  Then I saw it, they had a quick draw game.

       "Cool!" I yelped and ran toward it.

       "What?" Daria said, following me.

       "Quick Draw." I said to her.  She looked at me blankly.  "You put in the quarters and strap on the gun belt.  Then you see if you can out draw the enemies."  I stepped inside the square and strapped on the belt.  I put my quarters in the machine.  It came to life and told me the rules.  Then on the screen walked a life-sized opponent dressed like a cowboy.

       "On the count of three, draw." The machine said.

       "One." I brushed back my trench coat and wiggled my fingers around the butt of the pistol.

       "Two." I narrowed my eyes.

       "Three." My gun was out and I shot before I even consciously realized it.  The "enemy" gave a cry of agony as it fell to the ground.  I made it about three quarters of the way through the game before I was shot.  I hung up the gun belt and stepped out of the square.  Daria just kind of looked at me.

       "You're pretty good." She said.

       I nodded. "I've played it before.  'Sides, hitting a human sized target is a lot easier than shooting bottles off of a fence, and with this there's no recoil."  I reached into my pocket for quarters to have another go.  It was empty.  "End of the line I guess."

       Daria nodded.  "I'd probably better get home before dinner anyway."

       We left the arcade and walked until we had to go our separate ways.  "Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow." Daria said.

       "That remains to be seen." I said.

       We stood there for a second before she asked the question I knew was coming. "What happened?"

       "We had a fight."

       "I know that.  I mean what started it."

       I smirked at the irony of the situation, but only I understood. "I ate some gummy-bears."

       "Excuse me.  You what?"

       "I ate her gummy-bears."

       "Why did that get her so mad."

       I shrugged. "She'll probably tell you tomorrow."  I knew full well why, but I figured that Jane would want to blow some steam off on Daria.

       Daria nodded and started to walk in the other direction.  Before she was out of hearing range I heard her question herself. "Gummy-bears?"

       **Author's notes:  Well before you ask I did take the gummy-bear incident out of it's date but I figured with no Tom to eat them that I'd have to… and yes, if I was hungry, I would probably have forgotten about what happened in the show and eaten the gummy-bears.  I have a couple more vignettes up my sleeve and The New York Minute and A Christmas Stuck In Lawndale are also on the horizon.  I have started on the Melody Powers story mentioned in this fic but I don't know if I'll finish it so don't hold your breath.  Quick Draw is not the name of the game but I never remember the name of it, although I am damn good at it (and at shooting bottles off of the fence).**

As always I have to mar my fic with the standard copyright stuff.  Daria and all other Daria cast members ('cept me) belong to Mtv.


	6. Party!

Stuck in Lawndale

**Stuck in Lawndale**

**By Neal C.**

** **

**Ch 3.**

**Party!**

** **

**I was headed toward the shower, having had a fairly intense jam session with Trent, when I heard Jane talking from behind her door.Now I'm no snoop, but I had to pause and listen when I heard what Daria said.**

"So you guys are having problems?" Daria asked

"Well not problems really."

"Then what?I mean Neal seems like a... decent guy."

_Ha! She can't bring herself to say nice._

_"That's just it, despite the anarcho-punk exterior he is a really nice guy.Maybe he's too nice."_

_What? Too nice?_

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we've been going out for almost a month and he... well he just isn't very intimate."

"Excuse me?"

"Well we kinda make out but... well he's too nice.We've gone together for a month and he hasn't even tried to feel me up."

"Should he have?"

"Well, yeah.I mean all my other boyfriends have.Hell even guys who weren't my boyfriend.Remember Bobby Big-head?"

"Yeah, I still have that bonus sock.Have you considered that he might just be of a higher caliber than those guys?Maybe you should talk to him about it after the party tonight."

_Party?_

_"Yeah, maybe I should."_

Then they changed the topic and I retreated to my room to think.It was about an hour later when the knock came.

"Hey man." Trent greeted as he entered.

"'Sup Trent."

"Nothin' much.Uh Jess is here and we were going... uh going to...uh."

_I get it, he's supposed to get me out of the house."The pool hall?" __I'll let 'em all have their fun.Hell I've never had a surprise party anyway._

_"Yeah, the pool hall.You wanna come along?"_

"Sure, let me throw my boots on and grab my wallet."

"Cool, see ya downstairs."With that he turned and walked out, looking a little relieved.

I threw my boots on and grabbed my wallet, then headed downstairs.I didn't see Jane or Daria._Maybe they're avoiding me... Nah, probably getting supplies, it is a party after all._

_I walked outside and saw, much to my chagrin, the Tank.And Jesse was at the helm with Trent riding shotgun.I heaved a sigh and opened the side door._

"Sorry, there's no seats in the back."Trent said.

"So I noticed.Hey Jess."

"Hey."

With the greetings done, we drove off.Trent and I spent the next two and a half hours getting our asses royally kicked.Jesse was something of a pool shark.

"Rack 'em up." Jesse boomed.

"Nah." Trent cut in. "It's time to go."

"Why?" Jesse was baffled. "I'm havin' fun."

I pretended not to notice as Trent stamped on Jesse's foot and jerked his thumb at me.

"Oh... right.Cool."

It was already dusk outside.We got to the parking lot and were walking to the Tank.

"I call shotgun." I said.

"Cool." I guess Jesse didn't mind.

"Hey what about me?" Trent asked

"First come first serve." I told him.

"Oh really?" With that he ran off toward the Tank.

_Reminds me of my friends in high school.  
"Hey!" I was about to run after him._

"Don't worry, it's cool." Jesse said before I could run. "Here." He handed me the keys to the Tank.

"You sure this is cool with Max?"

Jesse shrugged."Max don't mind if I tell him not to." He grinned and flexed his arms

I rolled my eyes._Just like high school._

_We walked on towards the Tank.Trent was sitting in the passenger seat looking smug.In a friendly, three guys bonding at the pool hall sort of way.I knocked on his window and jangled the keys.That burst his bubble pretty quickly._

I climbed into the driver's seat and Jesse clambered into the back of the van.

"Okay, where to now?" I turned to Trent.

"We gotta go by Jesse and Max's dive.I left some lyric sheets there, I gotta pick 'em up."

_Probably for the party.Leave it to Trent and Jesse to forget something I'm not supposed to see._

_I drove for about ten minutes, with Trent and Jesse periodically spouting directions.Finally we arrived at Jesse and Max's "house".It was a very run down warehouse on the waterfront near the edge of town.It had probably seen its better days in the twenties._

"Shack sweet Shack." Jesse intoned from the back.

"You live _here?"_

"Yeah, Max's grand dad was in the shipping business."

Trent opened his door and climbed out followed by Jesse.Trent turned to me.

"Coming?"

"Uh, sure."_I hope this place hasn't been condemned._

_We walked across the broken concrete towards the garage door that was used as the main entrance.It was dark out and Jesse fumbled for the latch for a few moments.Finally the door slid up and we walked inside.Then the lights came on._

"SURPRISE!!" Everyone yelled.And quite a few people were there.Some I recognized, some I didn't.But Jane, Daria, Nick and Max were standing in front surrounding a large cake.

I stood there slack-jawed in astonishment._Damn it.They got me._

_Then Jane bolted forward and jumped up on me.Her legs were around my waist and arms around my shoulders.I wasn't prepared for it and she knocked me off balance.I stumbled backwards right into the door, which Jesse had closed.I banged my head but kept my hold on Jane. _

"Whoa!" She yelled.

"I've got you." I said, regaining my balance.Then I kissed her, a real smoker.

After we came up for air she said, "You sure do."

I sat her down on her feet.Then rubbed the back of my head self-consciously, while I looked at all the people who had seen that.I'm not really one for public displays of affection... or embarrassment.

Daria walked up. "Are you all right?"

I smirked and crossed my eyes."Yeah, I'm fine... but I didn't know you had a twin."

"Ha, ha."

"So what's this party for?Not that I'm not thankful or anything, but in case you haven't noticed I'm not really a social person."

Jane started ticking the reasons off on her fingers."Three things actually.First, You've been her exactly one month today.Second, We will have been dating for exactly a month tomorrow.Third and finally, Daria and I both got accepted at the University of Connecticut in Lawndale."

"Why'd you invite so many people?"

Jane smirked. "We didn't, but Nick and Max knew, so everyone else in town did also."

I kissed her on her forehead.Then turned to Daria, and hugged her.She was shocked to say the least."Well, Congrats.College, big step." I said, to both of them. "Thanks for the party guys, it really means a lot."

Jane hugged me. "No problem, now lets party."

The Party went well.Mystik Spiral took the stage and played.There was a definite "band party" ambience to the place.You know when you've been to a band party.Loud music, usually by the band hosting the party.In this case Mystik Spiral.An inordinate amount of alcohol.And some dancing, of course at this party it was slam-dancing.

Jane and I walked around.I talked to people I knew, and Jane introduced me to the people I didn't.We ran into Axl and Monique.

"'Ello Jane.Ew's this?"

"Hey Axl.This is Neal." 

"Hey." I said

Monique sized me up."He's cute."

I looked at Jane out of the corner of my eye.She looked very cold. "Hands off Monique.He's mine."

Monique put her hands up. "Geez get a grip.He's not even my type..."

Jane and I started to walk off when Monique mumbled. "'Sides, it's too easy to steal candy from babies."

Jane spun around. "What!?"

I gently grabbed her shoulder and leaned in to whisper. "She's not worth it, let's go."Jane haltingly nodded.I pulled her closer and we walked off.

We walked to the "bar".It was composed of a series of turned over crates piled with bottles of booze and plates of food.I turned to Jane.

"Was this your Idea?"

"Nah, it was the Spiral's.Not that I mind."

I nodded in agreement.Then the music stopped.And Trent spoke through the PA.

"Will Neal please join us on stage."

I turned to Jane."You put him up to this didn't you?"

She grinned. "Guilty.I've never seen you play, just heard it.Go on, I wanna show."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, I'll perform." I turned to go.She tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned and she kissed me on the cheek. "For luck... Uh and I need to talk to you after your set."

The crowd parted for me as I approached the stage.It was actually a disrepaired lift platform.I cautiously climbed up onto it.

"So what are we playing?" I asked Trent.

"Dunno, Janey put me up to this.What do you want to play?"

I thought about it for a moment._I hate performing, damn butterflies... that's it!_

_"Okay guys I got a plan..."As I explained my idea all the guys started smiling.It was a smile of conspiracy."Okay, Jesse go get everything else set up.Give me the signal when you're done."_

Jesse nodded and jumped off the platform.I turned to the mic and flipped it back on.

"Okay everyone, we're taking a break to decide what to do.Be back in a few."

We stood on stage and waited until we saw Jesse climb a pile of crates off to our left.He waved and I nodded.I turned the mic back on.

"Hey everyone, havin' a good time?"The crowd cheered."Great.Well since Jane engineered my appearance before you, this next song goes out to her. Hit it!"

Trent and Nick started the guitar & bass intro for Crazy Town's _Butterfly.The lights dimmed as I looked over the crowd.I began to sing._

"_Come, my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come, my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly. Sugar baby._

_Such a sexy, sexy, pretty little thing.The artsy chick who's got me hung on her loving._

_And I ain't gonna lie, 'cause your lovin' gets me high.So to keep you by myside, there's nothing that I won't try._

_Butterflies in her eyes and the looks to kill.Time is passing and I'm asking could this be real. _

_'Cause I can't sleep I can't hold still.The only thing I really know is, She got sex appeal._

_I can feel, too much is never enough.Always there to lift me up when these times get rough. _

_I was lost, now I'm found, ever since you been around.You're the woman that I want.So Yo, I'm puttin' you down."_

I jumped and landed on my knees at the front of the stage.

"_Come my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come my lady.You're my pretty baby.I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy. _

_Come my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come my lady.You're my pretty baby.I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy."_

__

_I stood as the guys played the bridge to the second verse._

"_I don't deserve you.Unless it's some kind of hidden message.To show me life is _

_precious, then I guess it's true.To tell the truth I really never knew 'til I met you._

_I was lost and confused, twisted and used up.Knew a better life existed, but felt _

_that I'd missed it.My lifstyle's wild, I was livin' like a wild child.Trapped on a short _

_leash parole, and police files.So Yo, what's happenin' now?I see the sun breaking into dark clouds._

_And a vision of you standing out in the crowd."_

__

_At that moment the lights went out completely exept for the strobe and the footlights.And Jesse, stationed on the crates flipped on the mini-spotlight and trained it on Jane.I motioned her towards the stage as I sang the chorus._

"_Come my lady. Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come my lady.You're my pretty baby.I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy. _

_Come my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come my lady.You're my pretty baby.I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy."_

__

_She got to the edge of the stage and I pulled her up while the guys improvised a bridge for the action._

"_Hey sugar mamma, come and dance with me.The smartest thing you ever did was_

_take a chance with me.So, whatever tickles your fancy.Girl it's me and you like Sid and Nancy. _

_So sexy... almost evil, talk about the butterflies in my head.I used to think that happy endings_

_were only in the books I'd read.But you made me feel alive when I was almost dead._

_You filled that empty space with the love I used to chase, and as far as I can see It don't get better than this. _

_So butterfly here is a song and it's sealed with a kiss, and a thank you miss."_

__

_Then I kissed her.Trent skipped a beat but was able to pick up the song for me._

**_"Come and dance with me, so come and dance with me._**

**_Come and dance with me, so come and dance with me."_**

**__**

**_Then Jane and I broke the kiss and I picked the tune back up for the last chorus._**

""_Come my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come my lady.You're my pretty baby.I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy._

_Come my lady.Come, come, my lady.You're my butterfly.Sugar baby._

_Come my lady.You're my pretty baby.I'll make your legs shake, you make me go crazy."_

__

_Then I picked Jane up the way you would to carry a bride over the threshold, she's remarkably light, and jumped off the stage.She tucked her head in the hollow between my neck and shoulders and whispered._

"I thought you were going to play your guitar."She smirked.

"I said I'd perform, not that I'd play.Besides I can't play and sing at the same time anyway."

"So what are you doing now." 

"Well I'm going to embarrass the hell out of both of us by carrying you outside.You said you wanted to talk to me anyway."

She looked up at me thoughtfully. "I don't think we have to."

"Well I'm still carrying you out.I want to talk to you."  
"Okay."

Again the crowd cleared the way as I walked towards the door.But this time they were cheering and leering and whistling.I got the the small side door and opened it.Exiting into the cool of the night.I sat Jane down and we walked down the pier looking at the reflections in the water.

"Okay, so what did you want to talk about?"She asked when we got to the end of the pier.

I sighed._No way to put this smoothly, so here goes. "I know you aren't exactly happy with the way I've been handling our relationship."_

"No, after what you did tonight..."  
I put my hand up for quiet. "Just listen for a second okay.Now I like sorting through my emotions about as much as Daria does.But I've been giving them the once over lately.And one thing keeps popping up. You know what it is?"

"N..No." 

"It's the fact that I... well I... Jane, I love you.I haven't been acting like your normal teenage guy because I respect you.And I _really don't wanna fuck this up.I didn't wanna drive you away.But now that I know what you want, I'm more than willing to have a more physical relationship."_

"How...how did you know?"

"I heard you and Daria talking."_Now she's gonna be pissed for a few days._

_She smirked. "You're as bad as Trent.I really need to get a thicker door.So I take it that you knew about the party."_

"Kinda, I knew you were having it but I didn't know it would be here."

She nodded. "Well let's get back in there before Daria or Trent get any weird ideas about what we're doing out her."

So we went back inside and watched the party unfold. After it was winding down and most people had either left or passed out where they stood; Daria, Jane and I found the inhabited portion of the warehouse.The rooms were obviously offices at one point.But they had been renovated to serve as a kitchen, bathroom, living area and three bedrooms.

Jane showed us around the place.Everything looked like you would expect the apartment of two twenty-something grunge rockers.Clothes, pizza boxes and other assorted detrius choked the floor and most other flat surfaces.The only room up to health standards was the guest bedroom.I cleared off the table in the kitchen and we all sat down.

"So how was your night Daria?" I hadn't seen her since the start of the party.

She shrugged."Same way parties always go.I didn't talk to anyone.I didn't get asked to dance, not that I would have.Mystik Spiral was playing so the music was... interesting.Uh, your act was kinda cool, even if it was pretty sappy."

"Sappy?" 

"Yeah, you changed part of the first verse to fit Jane, and it is a love song... after a fashion."

"Well I liked it." Jane chimed in.

"So what do we do now?" I asked.I looked at the clock, it was two in the morning.

"Well, since the band is passed out in the warehouse and anyone in any condition to leave already has.The question is do we sleep here or walk back to Jane's." Daria said.At that moment Jane yawned loudly. "Well I guess that answers that."

"Okay, you two take the guest room, I'll sleep on the futon." 

"Always the gentleman." Jane said.

"Hey, chivalry ain't dead."

"Yeah, just paralyzed from the waist down." Daria said.

"Well, G'night." I kissed Jane on the forehead.

With that we went to our separate domiciles.I flipped the futon down to it's bed position and got undressed to my boxers._This was certainly an interesting day._

I laid down and closed my eyes._Well what next?Then the pad on the futon shifted with the weight of another person.I opened my eyes and in the gloom I could make out a human form._

"Jane?"

"Got it on the first try." She fumbled around for a minute.

"What are you doing?" 

"Getting ready for bed, Daria's already asleep.So I figured you might like my company."

My eyes went wide. "Uh, I know I said I was ready for a more physical relationship, but don't you think it's a little early for..." I couldn't voice the words.

"You're sweet.No I just want to actually sleep beside you on the same bed.Nothing more than cuddling.I mean I'm not ready for... that either.Hope you don't mind me borrowing your shirt.I needed something to sleep in."

"That's fine.What about Daria?"

"She came prepared."

"That sounds like Daria."

"Yeah." Jane laid down beside me.I curled up around her possesivly and put my head in the hollow between her neck and her shoulder.

"G'night, love." I said.

"'Night."

For the first time in a month, I didn't dream of a life left behind.Or of the fears of a new world.I dreamt of the future.It was perfect.It may have not been Connecticut.I think, maybe it was Vermont.

Authors Notes:Am I mushy?Hell yeah, I may put on a cool exterior but deep down I'm a hopeless romantic.Am I actually a "nice" guy.Unfortunately, I am.You know what they say, nice guys finish last.Well this is my fic and I'm finishing first for once, Dammit.Yeah the Raising Arizona parody at the end is the corniest thing I've ever written, but it had to be done.As always, If you have comments, suggestions or criticism email me at NetUrza@hotmail.com

AlsoDaria and the rest of the Daria Cast belong to MtvWhich is chained to it's pimp,Viacom._Butterfly belongs to Crazy Town and whatever record company has the ropes through their bondage bracelets.___

__

_ _

__

__


	7. A Message From Me to Me

Stuck in Lawndale

Stuck in Lawndale

**By Neal C.**

** **

Ch 4 

**A Message from Me to Me**

** **

For me waking up is an hours long process, and it comes in stages.These stages are best illustrated by the sounds I make while in them.

Deep sleep: "ZZZZzzzzZZZZ."

Doze: "mmmrph…wha?"

Waking: "mmmmgothefuckawaylemmesleepmmmm."

Awake: "Coffeeeee."

I usually switch from one stage to the next gradually.But today was different.

"mmmrph…wha?" _Wait…whazzat?__Damn, it's soft, kinda like…Holy Shit!_

_I opened my eyes, not moving any other muscles.There was Jane lying on her back, thankfully still asleep, wearing my shirt.Then there was me on my stomach beside her.Then there was the fact that my arm disappeared upward under her hiked up shirt.I'll give you three guesses as to the whereabouts of my hand… but I think you'll only need one._

_Shit! Shit! Shit!Aw, hell.This is definitely awkward.Catch-22, if I move I'll wake her up and then I'll never hear the end of it.But if I don't move someone else is bound to find us, and I'll never hear the end of it.It's too early for this kind of decision.I need Coffeeeee._

_And that's how I went from Doze to Awake in under thirty seconds, and on the day after a party no less.It was definitely a new world record.I lay there and smirked at the turn of events, pondering what to do.Then the situation resolved itself._

"Like that do you?" Jane turned her head to look at me.

My eyes widened. "Jane! I uh… and well uh… I was asleep, I swear I didn't…"

"It's about damn time actually." She smirked and rested her hand on top of the one I had under her borrowed shirt."Oh, rough hands.You are a musician."

"That's my strumming hand.This is my fretting hand."I rolled to face her, without moving my right hand from its place.Then ran my left hand along her exposed side.She shivered.

"Definitely a musician.Wow."She let me slide my hand out from under the shirt.I put one hand on either side of her jaw and gently tilted her head up.I was about to kiss her when someone pounded on the front door.

"Damn!"

"Don't listen, maybe they'll go away.It's probably someone who left something in the warehouse last night.They can come back later."But the pounding didn't stop.So I rolled off the futon and threw my pants on.

I waded through the dump that is Jesse and Max's kitchen, toward the front door while whoever it was kept pounding."Hold on I'm coming Dammit!"I threw the door open. "This had better be damn good.I mean 'There's been a brutal murder and I need a fucking phone!' good!"

Then I looked at the visitor.He was tall, lanky.He wore a boonie hat with a white feather stuck in the hatband, round glasses and a moustache.

"You must be Neal." He sounded like a male Daria.

"Have we met?"_I don't remember him from last night._

_"Not physically.But we do know each other." He stuck out his hand. "I'm Napalm Krigbaum."_

"Napalm!?" I shook his hand.

"The one and only." He smirked.

"Come on in.How did you get here?How did you know where to find me?"

"I'll explain it all in due time.But I just had a helluva trip.Got any coffee?"He looked around the kitchen and sat at the table.

"Uh sure… I hope."I fumbled around the kitchen for a minute finally finding a can of Folgers.I set up the coffee pot and started it up.Then Jane walked in still wearing my shirt.

"I smell coffee." She looked around, eyes settling on Napalm. "Who's this?"

"A friend of mine." I said sitting down across from him

"Friend?"

Napalm stood up and offered his hand, which Jane took."I'm Napalm."

Jane arched an eyebrow. "Napalm?"She looked at me. "Where'd you pick this guy up?"

"Well remember all those other 'loser' fanfic writers…"

Jane looked shocked. "So he's a… Like you… Whoa I gotta sit down."She thudded down in the chair to my right."So how'd he get here?"

I shrugged."He was just about to explain, right Napalm."

He nodded."Right."He sat back down. "First off, I'm here because you wrote me in."

"What?I haven't written anything, and I can't control what happens here anyway."

"No, you didn't.But **You did.You see, you're like… well, you're only as real as Jane and Daria and Trent.You are part of the story.You're a way for the ****real you to see how he'd react to these situations.Kind of a mental self-diagnostic.Though in my opinion it's far to late for that."**

My jaw dropped._I'm not real…so this is how Jane felt."So I'm not real?" Jane reached over and took my hand._

"I didn't say that.You are real, you eat, drink, breath, feel, love." He looked at Jane on that last word."This is a real a world as our original one is.The **real you doesn't dictate your life, he just looks in from time to time to see what you're doing. So don't do anything stupid in the shower.You know how when you're writing the characters seem to take on a life of their own?That's because they do…That sounds sappy."**

"So we are all real?" Jane asked.

"You bleed don't you, you can die can't you?" Napalm said.

"I guess." Jane looked shaken.

"So if we are real.What's that make you?"

He shrugged. "A courier.You see, my green card only allows me to stay for a month at the most. Damn immigration officials.Then you guys go about your lives."

"A courier?" I asked 

"Yeah, I have a message from Neal to thee." He reached into the breast pocket of his field jacket and pulled out a small manila envelope. "Here.And if it blows up, remember it's from you not me."

I opened the envelope.Inside were a few sheets of paper, a bundle of cards and a pair of keys."What's all this?"

"Dunno, I wasn't supposed to open it.All I can tell you is it's from the **real you."**

I looked over the papers.One was a letter from me.

**Hey man,**

**I know this has to be a major blow to your world.But you gotta keep going.Enclosed in this packet are your high school diploma (you now officially graduated from San Dimas High(the football rules)), the title and keys to your new conveyance(you'll find it in Sam's Storage, out by Pizza Forest), and your social security card, birth certificate (You are now Neal Chaucer) and driver's license.**

**That's it… I just wanna wish you luck.Go get a job at a recording studio or put a band together. (I probably won't have time to do either ever again.)Napalm's gonna stick around for awhile, that's what he wanted for doing this job and it wasn't that much to ask so show him around.And for God's sake treat Jane right, she's good for you, you loser.**

**C'ya**

****

**Neal C.**

"What's it say?" Jane asked.

"It says I get to start over." I rolled my eyes. "As Neal Chaucer"

"Sounds English, ever write any good tales?" Napalm said

"Yeah.But I would have chosen something different.So… what do we do now?"

"We should wait for everyone to wake up and introduce Napalm."Jane said.

I nodded.So we sat and drank coffee and made small talk for about thirty minutes.Each of us was enveloped in our own thoughts.Then Daria entered.She, of course, was used to being awake in the morning and was fully dressed and functional.

She looked at the motley crew sitting around the table.There I was wearing only fatigue pants.Jane was wearing my shirt.Then there was Napalm, who she had never seen before at all.She raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, now this may be sleep deprivation affecting my mind.But this is one weird setting to see first thing in the morning."

I acted innocent. "Why, whatever are you talking about?"

Daria put her index finger to her chin as if in thought. "Well, let's see.It's so hard to put my finger on.First there's you wearing only your pants.Then there's Jane, who was supposed to share the bed with me, sitting next to you and wearing your shirt.So I can only guess what that means, although I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.Whether I want to or not.Third… who's this guy?" 

I looked over at Napalm.He was transfixed, looking vaguely reminiscent of a deer in the headlights. 

"Daria, I want you to meet a friend of mine.This is Napalm."

"Napalm?He doesn't have an obsession with fire does he?"

"Not that I know of."I kicked him under the table.That seemed to snap him out of it.

"Uh hey.I'm Napalm." He gave a slight two fingered wave.

"So I heard.I'm Daria."

"I bet you are." Napalm said transfixed.

" I didn't see you at the party last night."

"I wasn't at the party. My Monaco broke down, had to push it… long story."He gave me a sidelong glance.

"Then how did you know where to find Neal?"

Napalm turned to me as if to say, '_What do I tell her?'I put up my hand in a stopping gesture.Then said, "Well you know how I said there were other writer's besides me."_

"Yeah… Wait, you mean he's one?"

I nodded. 

"So how did he get here?"

Napalm and I looked at each other and I sighed. I motioned for Daria to sit down.Then we went about explaining what had happened for the second time today…

"And here he is." I finished.

"So what do we tell everyone else about him?" Daria asked

"We tell them the same thing we told them about me.He's one of my friends from out of town, which is certainly true."I looked at Napalm.He was still enamored with Daria.I reached across the table and poked him. "Ain't that right Napalm?"

"Wha… Oh, yeah sure." 

I raised an eyebrow._Wow, he's really got it._

"Well it's almost noon, I suggest that we wake up the spiral, and restore the warehouse to its original state of disrepair.Then we go pick up your wheels, Geoffrey."

I rolled my eyes. "Bad lit reference Daria.Okay, I guess your right.Time for cleanup hell.But I gotta get dressed."I wiggled my eyebrows at Jane then headed for the bedroom.

She raised an eyebrow. "And I've gotta return his shirt. C'ya!"She gave a half wave as she got up.

As we entered the bedroom I heard Daria say, "I guess they won't be cleaning up."

"Okay, what happened to taking it slow?" Jane said as she took off my shirt and sat down on the bed.

"Nothing.I just wanted to leave Napalm and Daria alone.It's my turn to play Yenta." I gave an evil grin, which was soon reflected by Jane.

"Oh, I see.You like messing with your friends' minds."

I touched my nose like in charades. "It's kinda like watching the way Daria used to be around Trent."

"She's still like that, you just have to know what to look for."

I thought about it._I guess_ _maybe it is still there… I gotta watch more closely._

"Um… I'm kinda cold over here." Jane said, crossing her arms.

"Then let me warm you up."I sat down beside her and held her close.She smiled, not a smirk but an actual smile.I'm a gentleman so I won't describe anything that came next.But for those who want to know, no we didn't…close, but like I said, I'm a gentleman. 

We emerged into the warehouse, dressed and ready for the day, an hour or so later.By then, as Daria had predicted, the "cleanup" was done.And to my surprise there was Napalm's 'bluesmobile' up on blocks in the warehouse bay.With Max, in oily coveralls, hanging halfway out from under the hood.

"Hey guys!Over here." Napalm called. 

I looked over.Daria, Napalm and Trent were sitting on some crates.Trent had a small Marshall practice amp set up and was playing some basic blues while Napalm improvised on the harmonica.On our way over I grabbed Jesse's acoustic.

"Hey Trent where's Jesse and Nick?"

"Napalm told us about your car so they went to pick it up.Jess said something about payment for letting you drive the Tank."

I hung my head. "Aw hell." _Next time don't leave keys on table._

Jane and I sat down.Trent kept playing the twelve bar rhythm, I improvised on the guitar and Napalm improvised on the harp.We didn't sound half bad, considering I usually play punk and Trent usually plays neo-grunge. 

After a while we heard the Monaco start up.Along with a triumphant yell from Max. "I am Invincible!"

I rolled my eyes. "Now let's hope the car is."

Napalm looked offended. "Hey that baby's got a cop motor of four hundred and forty cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks.Whaddaya say is it the bluesmobile or what?" Jane, Daria, Trent and I just kinda stared at Napalm. "What?" 

Max walked up holding a small metallic object. "Fix the cigarette lighter."

Just then we heard a low reverberating thunder.It was steadily getting closer and louder.

"I know that sound." I said.Then Jesse pulled in riding a very customized Harley chopper.

"Wooooo!Neal's a Harley Man! Yeah!" Jesse yelled as he brought the bike to a stop. "The keys were for the gate and the door lock at the garage.Its gotta kick starter.You gotta ride with me sometime man, that thing is fuckin' awesome."

"You own a motorcycle?" _Well, I guess it fits._

"'Couple."

"Cool… Hey Jane, wanna go for a ride?"

"Effin' A right I do."

I straddled the bike and stomped the starter.It roared to life, I sat down and Jane jumped on behind me. 

"Hold on to your butt."

"How 'bout I hold on to yours?"She put her arms around my waist.With that I gunned it out of there with the roar of the engine and the applause of the Spiral and Napalm in my ears.Life is good for Dharma Bums like me.

Authors Notes:First off I would like to thank Napalm for all his help and for the Title for this fic.Next, are Jane and I gonna take it to the next level?I'm not telling just yet.Will Daria and Napalm hook up? I dunno.Does Daria still like Trent? Maybe.You'll get your answers in my next fics so keep reading.As always I'm open to critiques or praise or a good bashing at [NetUrza@hotmail.com][1].And if anyone gets the Ataris (punk band) reference Email and tell me… You won't win anything but I wanna know how many people know.

As always I have to mar my art with a disclaimer.Daria and the Daria cast do not belong to me the belong to Mtv.And I'm running out of whore jokes for Mtv and Viacom so I just won't have one for this installment.

****

   [1]: mailto:NetUrza@hotmail.com



	8. Road Trip

Stuck in Lawndale

**A Collaboration by Neal C. and Napalm Krigbaum**

Road Trip Part One – On the Road Again 

       I opened my eyes slowly, adjusting to the light level.  It wasn't as bright as it should have been.  Then I realized why.  _When did I hang velvet curtains? Wait… I never put up velvet curtains.  That means…_

_       I lifted up onto my elbows.  I gazed lazily around.  It was Jane's room… but now it was mine too.  I smiled a little at that.  __Who'd of thunk it?  Me in a steady, semi-normal relationship.  We had worked it out, I moved my meager belongings into Jane's room and Napalm took my old one._

       Jane was lying beside me.  _She looks like an angel… well she'd be a fallen angel, but an angel nonetheless.  I wish I had some paper.  Wait this is Jane's room it's loaded with paper._

_       I eased out of bed so as not to wake her up.  I picked up some paper, a drafting pencil and a drawing board.  I sat in the comfy chair and watched her sleep.  Writing whilst I did.  Stream of consciousness stuff, no real story or poem or anything else.  I also did some quick sketches, but they were disappointing.  Compared to Jane's art I ought as well have drawn stick figures.  _

       Then I heard footsteps in the hall.  The door creaked opened and Napalm stuck his head in.  I turned to greet him.

       "Yo." I whispered.  I put my finger to my mouth for quiet.

       "Hey.  Uh am I interrupting a 'moment' here?  'Cause if I am I'll come back later."  He whispered back.

       I shook my head and sat the writing and sketches in the chair and motioned him to go out in the hall.  I followed.

       "It's that special time." He said.

       "Huh?"

       "Alternapalooza… We go today."

       "It's Friday already?"  After the cleanup last weekend Nick had brought up the topic of the Battle of the Locals at this year's Alternapalooza.  We had all decided to road trip to the festival and have a cool weekend.

       "Oh yeah… lemme wake Jane up and we'll meet you downstairs."

       "Cool, I'll go get Trent up."

       I woke Jane up and then went for a shower.  After I was done I relinquished the room to a slightly more alert Jane.  Then we went downstairs.

       Trent was passed out at the table and Napalm was sitting there sipping coffee.

       "I got him this far." He shrugged.

       "So what's the plan?" I asked as I entered the kitchen.

       "Jesse and Max are gonna pick up Nick and be right over.  Someone has to give Daria a lift over here."

       I nodded.  "You and me can do that.  Jane could you wake Trent up and make sure he stays that way?"

       Jane smirked evilly. "Yeah that I can do."

       "Cool.  C'mon Napalm, let's book."

       We drove over to Daria's.  I checked my watch.  We were late, but Daria wasn't waiting outside.  We waited for a few minutes.

       "Damn, we gotta rescue her." I said.

       Napalm nodded gravely.  We got out of the Monaco and walked up the path to the door.  We stood in front of the door, rigid, shoulders back.  I put on my prescription dark sunglasses and motioned for Napalm to do the same.

       "Are you ready for this?" I asked.

       "Are you?"

       "Good point."

       I knocked on the door. Jake answered.  He looked at us and for the first time said the right thing.  "You aren't here for Quinn, are you?"

       "No Mr. Morgendorffer." I said, deadpan.

       "We're here for Daria."  Napalm said, sounding a lot like Elwood Blues.

       "She's not in any trouble…is she?"

       "May we come in please?" Napalm asked.

       Moments later the two of us were standing in the Morgendorffer's living room with a confused looking Jake before us. The sound of Daria's boots could be heard coming downstairs but I paid no attention to it. Napalm turned his head to stare. I gave him a quick tap. He more or less snapped out of it.

       "We're here to take Daria to Alternapalooza." I said flatly.

       "She can't go." Jake replied.

       "Now why is it Daria can't go?"

       "Because, Helen was concerned about that place! She heard they went nuts last year and trashed everything. I don't want them destroying my little girl!"

       "I understand that sir." Napalm continued. "But what you don't understand is what we're asking Daria to do is a holy thing sir."

       "Daria's part of a church?" Jake, now even more bewildered asked. I could hear Daria laugh quickly in the background.

       "No sir, she's with our band." Napalm said.  He had a plan so I didn't interrupt for the moment.

       "A band!?"

       "Yes sir, she plays a harmonica well and…" Napalm trailed. He lost his thought so I picked up the slack

       "The harmonica sir is scientifically proven to be a calming instrument, if she doesn't come to play the crowd will go wild.  People will be puked on."

       "Cars turned over." Napalm added.

       "Dogs eaten like chicken." Jake was getting queasy. Good.

       "Women exposing themselves."

       "Men touching women exposing themselves."

       "Total anarchy sir, if Daria doesn't come the blood will be on your hands. Don't you see, she's on a mission from God. " Napalm finished. Now Jake was completely messed up.

       "Well when you put it like that how can I say no?" He looked past us and apparently saw Daria. 

       "Kiddo, these two gentlemen just explained the situation, if you want to go it's okay with me!"

       "Thank you dad, it'll mean so much to me." She paused, " And to the people." Daria replied in a faux solemn tone. Napalm started smiling so I nudged him. He straightened up.

       "Need anything kiddo?" Jake asked as he pulled out his wallet. Daria walked past us over to him.

       "Just thirty bucks."

       "Thirty!?"

       "Inflation. I wasn't there last year to keep those people calm and look what happened."

       Jake nodded his head and gave her the money. Daria then stood beside us.

       "We must be going now." I said.

       Napalm was the first to the door, he opened it for Daria and walked out behind her, nearly shutting it in my face.

       "Wait!" Jake asked, as I was about to leave. "Who are you people, are you with the festival or something?"

       "No sir. We're musicians." 

       I opened the door and walked out. The 'Bluesmobile's' engine was already purring as I went to get into the passenger side. Daria had already claimed the back and was putting on her seat belt. 

       "Why is there a gas can back here?" She asked.

       "Must have missed that one. Spare fuel, just in case." Napalm replied.

Moments later we slowly pulled away from the curb when Jake ran out the door.

       "Hey guys!"

       "Should I loose him?" Napalm asked.

       "No. If he doesn't chase us on foot do we want him chasing us in the Lexus?" Daria responded.

       Jake ran up to me window with money in his hand.

       "Sir, give this to Daria, just in case, you know, they need her a little longer."

       I nodded my head and passed the twenty back to Daria. Then Napalm slammed down the accelerator and we where back at Casa Lane in no time.

       The Tank was in the driveway when we pulled up so Napalm parked by the curb.  Trent, Jesse and Nick were loading equipment into it.  Max was walking around waving his arms in the air.  We got out of the car and heard him shouting.

       "But guys we're still on probation.  Remember, inciting a riot and resisting arrest?  If we get caught outside the county we get to spend the next six months as guests of the state!"

       "Then we won't get caught." I said.

       Jane came out of the house with my bedroll.  Then she locked the front door.  "Okay so who rides where?"

       "You ride with me on the chopper.  The Spiral rides in the Tank.  That leaves Napalm and Daria in the 'bluesmobile'."    

       Napalm looked pleased.  I strapped the bedroll to the back of the cycle, like my dad taught me.  The guys clambered into the Tank.  I started the chopper.  Napalm opened Daria's door for her.  Then we took off.  It was a regular caravan; Napalm and Daria in front, the Tank in the middle and Jane & I pulling up the rear.

       We got to the highway and drove for the better part of an hour without incident.  Then the Tank signaled that it was turning.  We all pulled into a rest area.

       Jane got off the bike and walked up to the driver's side of the Tank.  "What's wrong?"

       I couldn't make out what Max said but I saw him point out the window.  I looked where he was pointing.  A Carter County sheriff's car was slowly pulling into the rest area.  He stopped about fifty yards from us.  They seemed to be typing.

       "Shit." I muttered to myself.  I got off of the cycle and walked up to the Tank.  I looked down at the license plate.  The tag was from 1998.  I shook my head then walked up beside Jane.  I spoke in a level deadpan. "Max, see that porker you were pointing at?  He's running your tags.  And guess what?  They haven't been current in two years.  You are about to be in a world of shit."

       Max's eyes widened and he was about to say something.  But I cut him off.

       "Shut up.  You guys packed lunch right?"

       "Y…Yeah."

       "Give me the mayonnaise jar."

       He dug around for a minute and finally produced the mayo.  

       "Good, now sit tight while I go tell Napalm what happened."

       I walked up to the Monaco and motioned for Napalm to roll down his window. "Where's Daria?"

       "She went to the bathroom"

       I nodded "We're in some serious shit." 

       "What?" Napalm asked.

       "Rollers."

       "No."

       "Yeah."

       "Shit! Has he called back up?"

       I looked back and saw another cruiser coming down the access road. "Yeah.  We gotta distract 'em."

       "I don't have a full tank."

  "Too bad. The guys will follow you.  The map says the road splits into three up here.  You take the right. One will follow you and one will follow me."

       "How do you know?" 

       Daria returned and got back in the car.

       "I think something really did die in that bathroom." She whined.

       I smirked. "I know. Inform Daria of the situation.  Now pull out slowly."  He started to pull out, and as he did the gas hose, still gassing him up came out as he pulled away. I walked back to the Tank. "Max.  Follow Napalm."  Max nodded and pulled out after him.

       I went back to the chopper.  "Jane we are about to do something that will most probably get us arrested if we get caught."

       "What are we gonna do?"

       "We're gonna give that pig some salad dressing." I handed the mayo to Jane. "I'm gonna gun by that cop as soon as he flashes his lights at the Tank and your gonna crash this on his hood.  It should get him off the Tank and onto us."

       The cruisers followed the Tank out of the rest area and flashed their lights.  I gunned out of there and around the cruisers.  We got side by side with the front one. "NOW!"

       Jane hit the cruiser's hood dead on and the mayo splattered up onto the windshield.  The cops swerved off of the road and the second cruiser took off after us.  We zipped past Napalm and on down the road…

Part Two- I Love the Smell of Napalm in a Car Chase 

**(Napalm's Story)**

I saw the lights following the Tank in my rearview mirror and I knew this was it, we had to take their minds away from the Tank. Neal zipped by, apparently he had done something to piss the first cop off so that left us just one more to distract. 

       "Rollers." I deadpanned. I stuck my arm out the window and flipped them the bird. That got their attention and really slammed down the accelerator.

       "Think we can out run them?" Daria asked. I wasn't trying to play it cool but it appeared that way. I think it was the same with her.

       "They're not gonna catch us." I replied with my best Elwood.

       "We're on a mission from God, right?"

       "This car has a 440 cubic inch engine. Big block, I can do 120, possibly 140 if I try. That's almost as good."

       The road ahead split into three, so I switched the gears and I could hear the giant engine roar louder, nearly drowning out the Blues Brothers Soundtrack I had going on.

       "Daria, you might want to turn up the volume."

       My favorite song, _Sweet Home Chicago was coming on._

       "And you might want to put on a seat belt." She replied.

       I chose the road on the right and put the hammer down.

       "How fast do you think those cops can go?" Daria asked as she looked behind us.

       "Those cops are riding newer model Crown Vics , they can keep up with nearly anything on the road-"

       "That's great." She replied.

       "Built after the '70's. This car was built in 1974, that's even before catalytic converters." I finished. A glance at the speedometer showed I was doing was doing well over 100 and we showed no signs of slowing down. The Monaco was built for this kind of driving. Another glance in the rearview showed we were quickly losing the cops.

       "I'm bored, let's talk some more." I said.

       "Okay…um…the forest is nice, I think." She replied as we shot through the scenic forest at 110. At least I _think it was scenic._

       "I think I'm driving pretty good."

       "Maybe you can be Burt Reynolds' chauffeur someday." 

       "I think you have to have a license for that job." 

       She looked at me funny. "What's that supposed to mean?"

       "It means I'm doing pretty good for a guy who never took drivers ed or technically got a drivers license."

        "Want me to drive?" She asked.

       "Sure, but your foot doesn't have enough lead in it."

       Another quick glance into the rearview showed we had lost the cops. 

       "Where are the cops?" I asked.

       "In front of us most likely, putting up a road block." She replied casually.

       "Good odds on that." I agreed calmly.  

       "Setting up spike strips."

       "If they have them."

       "Helicopters?"

       "Probably not." 

       I then caught sight of the fuel gauge. We had lost the cops but were running low and fast.

       "Daria take the wheel, I need to get some gas."

       "What?" She replied.

       "It's too dangerous to slow down, they might catch us. You'll have to get over here and get your foot on the gas and take the wheel so I can fill up the tank with the gas cans I have in the back seat."

       "Ah, yes, that sounds like a far less dangerous plan."

       "Glad you agree." Our conversation had kept a nearly flat tone the entire time and I couldn't have loved it more. 

       Daria got in close to me as I gently moved my foot sideways to make room for hers on the pedal. I moved my hands over so she could get a grip on the wheel, she was practically on top of me.

       "I bet you're enjoying this." She said.

       "Immensely." 

       I carefully slipped up and back over the vinyl seat, landing head first in the back seat. I righted myself and saw Daria safely had the wheel. 

       "Want me to slow down some?" She asked.

       "Your foot is a lead brick, got it?"

       "Gotcha."

       I took off my hat and set it on the floor so it wouldn't fly out the window. I picked up the gas can off of the floor with one hand and unrolled a window with the other. I set the can on the seat and carefully squeezed as much of my body outside of the car. The wind was whipping by VERY fast and I knew this was very dangerous. I crawled back in.

       "90?" She asked.

       "I love the way you think. You think like me." 

       When I poked my head back out the wind wasn't too bad. I fastened the seat belt over my legs to help keep me in. If I fell it would kill me instantly anyway. I got nearly half my body out of the car and realized that I couldn't gas the car up from here, so crawled back in and tried the same thing on the driver's side. I had the heavy gas can in my hand, it was so heavy I dropped it and it splattered all over the road. (Later I found out a police car hit it and caused the car to careen off the road, saving our butts) I crawled back in.

       "This is your brain. That was your brain on the road, any questions?" She quipped. 

       "Stop the car. I forgot I fill this thing up from the back."

       "All those cheap heroics for nothing." She replied.

       "Yeah, now when you stop pop the trunk I have a few spare cans back there."      

She stopped and did as I asked. In about two minutes I had put all the gas into the car, tossed the cans in the back seat and was ready to take the wheel again.

       "Can I please drive?"

       "I don't know, you haven't even taken a test."

       "Tests are for people with low self esteem. I don't have low self esteem, it's a mistake."

       "Don't quote me." She ordered.

       "Can I drive then?"

       "Sure."

       She scooted over into the passenger seat and I hopped back into my rightful place before slamming the door and we where off again, speaking of off I noticed the CD on the portable CD player was off as well.

       "Want me to put something on Daria?"

       "What do you have?"

       "Well, let's see. The Blues Brothers, Blues Brothers 2000, Blues Brothers: Made In America, Briefcase Full of Blues, Blues Traveler, Live from Chicago's House of Blues, Millennium Blues Party, Essential Chicago Blues and a couple old REM tapes."

       "Your music sound cheery."

       "Like you're any better. Oh, I also have the Best of Sam & Dave and Weird Al."

       "What's Sam & Dave?"

       "It's stuck in the eight track player. Just push play." 

       She obliged and soon the car was filled with the smooth sounds of Sam & Dave. For some reason I love their music, even if it is all upbeat love songs from the late '60's. After about thirty seconds Daria turned that off.

       "What was that?"

       "Sam & Dave. It came with the car and I couldn't get it out of the eight track player."

       "Good excuse."

       She sat back and relaxed, just taking in the scenery, we had moved into a break into the forest and where now running through a field. She put her short legs up on the seat, these old benches had plenty of leg room. I stole a quick look at her- the black look (black skirt, shirt & boots) was her.

       "Let's see how Trent and the guys are doing."

       "Roger."

       She picked up with CB whip from the dash and stuck it out the window. I grabbed the mike off the dash and called in on our frequency. 

       "This is Elwood J. Blues  & Mona Lisa calling Jim Morrison, come in Jim, over?"

       A moment later a response came crackling over the mike. "Hey Elwood, we're doing fine, thanks for pulling those cops off of us. I'll buy you a burger later. What's you situation?" Trent replied.

       "We're doing fine. Nothing bad has happened yet, so we're still waiting on it" 

       I saw Daria smirk.

       "See you at the concert then Jim."

       "Who?"

       "You."

       "Oh yeah, later Na- Elwood."

       We ended the conversation so I put up the mike and Daria put the whip back in.

       "Napalm?"  
       "Yes?"

       "What is your real name?"

       I told her.

       "That's a pretty good name I guess."

       We drove without trouble for awhile longer before we crossed a bridge and up ahead we could see real trouble. A roadblock was set up at the tree line, it was an amassed double row of police cars with cops standing at the ready with shotguns and rifles. I could see through my thick dark sunglasses some dogs as well when I squinted. 

       "I bet they have some spike strips set up too." Daria remarked.

       "Daria, put it on track three."

       "Gimme Some Lovin'? I prefer Peter Gunn."

       "Whatever works for you."

       I pushed the engine to it's max. We were sailing to the tune of _Gimme Some Lovin'._

       "What are you going to do?" Now Daria sounded worried.

       "Fasten your seat belt and keep all arms & legs in the vehicle at all times. If this doesn't work tell them I kidnapped you."

       She fastened her seat belt.

       "Napalm-"

       "Daria if this fails I want you to know I love you. Yes I have a thing for you and I wish I had said something sooner. And yes, I mean all of that."

       We were upon the roadblock and I could see the strips, I hit the brakes and swerved off the paved road into the forest.

       "There's a redneck joke about this." I said out loud.

       I jerked around to avoid hitting trees; the Monaco wasn't built for this kind of off road abuse. I dodged several more trees and we ramped off of something sending the car a few feet in the air before it hit the ground hard and I got us back on the road. We did it. We got past the roadblock and no one was dead. I hoped. I looked over at Daria. She was badly shaken and her glasses were missing.

       "You okay?"  
       "Shaken but not stirred." She shakily replied.

       "Where's your glasses?"

       "I think they fell out of the window when we hit that thing before getting back on the road."

       I pulled a glasses case from my pocket and opened it one handed. I then took the wheel with my knees.

       "This is quite a time to decide you need to change your glasses." 

       "Don't worry, I'm Californian." I took off my dark prescription sunglasses and slipped on my regular glasses. 

       "I'm not sure if they're your prescription, but try them on."

       She slipped on my dark sunglasses. They looked good on her face, but that's just my opinion. The black frames & lenses completed her look.

       "How does everything look?" I inquired.

       "Close enough. Thanks."

       We drove in silence awhile longer. Eventually Daria spoke up.

       "Did you mean what you said back there?"

       "Every word."

       Silence. 

       "Let's raise Trent." I suggested. She held up a broken CB antenna.

       "My boots landed on it wrong. Sorry."

       "Tell that to Max, it's his."

       We drove for awhile longer with our fuel running low, it was now noon. Then I saw our salvation- a road side gas station was up ahead. I drove on past it.

       "Did you see that gas station back there?"

       "Yeah."

       "Why didn't you stop?"

       "We can't pull into a station without every cop for miles descending on us."

       I slowed the cruiser down when I saw a break in the woods, I slowed even more and drove off road and into the forest as far as I could without having to avoid anything.

       "I see." Daria said.

       We got out and covered the back end of the Bluesmobile with foliage before walking the 300 yards to the gas station. It was a Stuckeys, the most luxurious of all roadside gas station chains. We went inside to find it truly did have everything. A food place, a store, and a bathroom. We hit those first. After that we grabbed a bite to eat. We had the dry toast special without a word between us. We finished and just sat there before she finally spoke.

       "If we want to go to the festival what are we waiting for?"

       The moment the words where out of her mouth a fleet of police cars flew by.

       "That. Let's wait five minutes then we'll start up again."

       "Sounds good."

       "You okay with what I said back there, because I was being honest. I have a nasty habit of doing that."

       "Well…I guess I could do worse." I think that was her sign of acceptance. Works for me.

       We then bought what we needed- two five gallon cans of fuel I had to lug and two bags of candy and drinks for poor Daria to carry. We got back into the car and I had to say it.

       "We got 62 miles to Swedesville, a full tank of gas, half a pound of candy, a few more hours till dark and you're wearing my sunglasses. "

       "Hit it."

       I back up and soon we were cruising the limit of 75 on our way to Swedesville with the Blues Brothers 2000 soundtrack going on in the background. For about half an hour we drove on before Daria tried starting up a conversation again.

       "Why do you have that feather in your hat?"

       "Ever hear of Carlos Hathcock?

       "No."

       "Greatest sniper who ever lived. A true hunter, 93 confirmed and 200 unconfirmed kills."

       "Everyone needs a role model." Daria replied.

       "Yeah, he never snapped. His career was cut short when he rescued seven men from a burning Amtrac, he literally lost his skin over it."

       "Ouch."

       "Then he refused any form of reward for his actions saying any of them would have done it for him."

       "He over estimates people."

       "Marine are weird like that."

       "Reminds me of a guy I once knew- he would shout '1,2,3,4 I love the Marine Corps when he exercised."

       "Whatever happened to him?"

       "He joined the army when he found out they'd pay him more."

       "Kids are stupid."

       "I knew the epitome of stupid- they were called Beavis and Butt-Head."

       She told me about them for a while. Mostly stuff I already knew from when I was little and my dad would tell me stuff about them, but I love hearing her soothing voice so I just listened. Eventually things quieted back down and she tried to sleep some before we got there. Then as she dozed off and the CD finished playing we drove past the Swedesville city limit sign.

       "Welcome to Swedesville, home of the biggest excuse to make loud noises and party drunk since Woodstock sold out."

       "But it's still no Altamont."

       "Guess they can't top having the security guards beat people to death"'

       Then we got stuck in traffic. Cars were converging on this little town big time. But we could definitely hear the music. Or maybe it was a broken car horn, not that there's much of a difference.

       "Look's like we're stuck in traffic." Daria noted about our situation.

       "Maybe."

       I looked around. No cops in sight.

       "Daria please open the glove compartment."

       She did.

       "Is this what you want?"

       She pulled out a little red siren and handed it to me.

       "Yeah."

       I stuck it on top of my car and turned it on. In less than a minute we had plenty of driving room. We drove on down to the gas station we had agreed on, put away the light and the waiting began. Then I realized we hadn't touched the candy or the sodas. I picked one up off the floor.

       "Want it?"  
       "Sure."

       I handed it to her and took a coke for myself.

       "I should probably get rid of some of those extra gas cans. I'll be back in a moment."

       She nodded. I got out and circled around the car to open the back door. I grabbed the two excess cans and threw them away. Then I saw something Daria might want. 

       "Daria, what's black on the outside and clear in the center?

       "My mother's chicken?"

       I leaned into her open window with her glasses in my hand.

       "Try again."

       "Thanks." She took them and began to take off the dark sunglasses.

       "You can keep wearing those if you want."

       She slipped them back on.

       "I like the idea no one can see my eyes." 

       I handed her my glasses case and she put hers in it. Then I put it back in my pocket. I shut the back door and just looked around. Cars as far as I could see. Across from us was a field filled with them. The road too, they where all lined up and moving slowly. Then I saw a Harley come up over the hill beside the road.

       "We got company."

       Neal & Jane came down the hill and into the parking lot. He stuck his boot onto the ground to help him turn as they drew nearer and they pulled up beside us.

       "I see you beat the crowd." I remarked.

       "You can say that." He replied.

       "Hey Neal, when this trip started weren't those glasses on Napalm?" Jane pointed out.

       It was time to start exchanging stories as we waited for the Tank.****

Part Three- Harley Davidson and the Lawndale Chick 

**(Neal's Story)**

Jane hit the cruiser's hood dead on and the mayo splattered up onto the windshield.  The cops swerved off of the road and the second cruiser took off after us.  We zipped past Napalm and on down the road.  

We came to the fork and I turned onto the left road.  We drove with the squad car quickly catching up.  The road we were on became rougher as it headed into some good old New England backcountry.

"Can we outrun them!?" Jane yelled over the sound of the air whipping past.

"No!"

"Great!"

"So we just have to be creative!" 

I veered off of the road and into the woods, swerving around trees and crashing through underbrush.  "Keep your head down!  They can't follow but they might shoot!"

I got far enough into the woods that I was sure they couldn't have followed.  Then I slowed down.  

"Are you trying to get us killed!?" Jane yelled.

"You kidding me?!  We're too young to Die!" I laughed. 

"You know they'll patrol that road until they find us."

"Then I guess we can't go back on that road."

       We pushed on through the woods.  It was kinda nice.

       "This is definitely the scenic route." I said.

       "Yeah, I wish I had my sketchpad."

       "Too bumpy to use it."

       "I guess." 

       Just then we came out of the woods and onto an old county road.  I stopped by the edge and looked around.  No one was coming.  

       "Perfect.  Jane, what time is it?"

       "Around two.  Why?" 

       "We're gonna be late if we don't book." I gunned it.

       We were sailing down the road at around 80 mph when we passed a dirt road.  Parked at the intersection was a familiar Crown Victoria.

       "Neal! Cops!" Jane yelled.

       I nodded.  I buzzed by them and they pulled out behind me.  They kept right on my ass crowding me, trying to get me off of the road.  We passed another road and another cop pulled out.  

       "Shit!" I looked up ahead.  Rail road tracks.  The lights were flashing and I could see the train.  The cops had dropped back so I could stop.

       "I think this is the end of the line!" Jane said.

       "Not quite!" I skidded to a stop and fishtailed around to face the cops.  They had parked in a V facing me with about a foot between the bumpers.  They were fifty yards down the road.  I narrowed my eyes and revved the engine.

       "What are you doing?" Jane asked.

       "I got an idea.  If this doesn't work, we'll end up in the hospital.  Tell 'em you're a hitchhiker, you don't know anything."  With that I blasted towards the cars picking up speed very quickly.  When I hit ninety I yelled. "Lean Back!"

       We both leaned back and to my surprise our combined weight brought the chopper up onto it's back wheel.  We buzzed right between the cars, with inches to spare on either side.  The cops scrambled to get back into their cars.  

       I turned down a side road and pulled into the forest.  I killed the engine and climbed off.

       "C'mon we have to set it on it's side."

       "What?"

       "So we can camouflage it!  There's a town on the other side of those tracks and we can't just drive in, we'd have every porkchop in the county down on us!"

       Jane's eyes narrowed. "Don't you even fucking think about yelling at me!  You almost got me killed you asshole!"  She pounded on my chest.  The adrenaline had worn off and reality had crashed in.  She stood there arms crossed, tearing up.

       I tried to put my arms around her but she shrugged them off.  I tilted her head up with my hand and wiped off the forming tears.  "I… I'm sorry.  For everything, but we're up shit creek if we don't hide this thing.  C'mere baby."  I held her until I heard the engines of the police cars.

       "Now will you help?"

       She nodded haltingly and we tipped the chopper over.  We covered it with branches real quick and then crouched low.  The cops sped on past us.  I got up and helped Jane to her feet.

       I put my arm around her waist and gently turned her to face me. "Are you alright?"

       "Are you?"

       Then it hit me.  The rush wore off and the fatigue that always comes next set in.  _I did it.  I almost fucking killed Jane.  She was closer to the road.  And those cops could've just shot us and…_

_       I stood there and thought all of this horrible stuff.  Jane pulled me out of my daymare.  _

       "Are you alright?"

       "God… I could've killed you.  I… I could have… I…"  I looked at Jane.  _I love her… I actually love her… I'd put my own life before hers._

_       She put her hand on my cheek, like you would soothe a child. "Shhh.  There are a helluva lot of 'could haves' in this life.  I could have been a cheerleader.  You could have stayed home and let us die.  But you didn't and I didn't and we are who we are because of what happened, not because of what could have happened.  We're alive and that's all that matters."_

       I nodded and sighed. "Let's get a move on.  Town's about a half mile away."

       And so we walked off along the side of the road.  Each step felt like ten, the fatigue was really getting us.  It was around three thirty when we got into town.  There was a convenience store by the rail road tracks.

       We entered.  Jane headed to the coffee machine and I walked over to the counter.  "Marlboro 100's and a lighter."  He reached for the 'lights'. "No.  Red tops."

       I paid and stuffed them in my jacket pocket.  Then Jane walked up with two cups of coffee.  I paid for them and then I got an idea.

       "Hey, does this town have a hardware store?"

       "Sure.  It's just up the block." 

       "Thanks."

       Jane and I walked outside.

       "Why do you need a hardware store?"

       I smirked and sipped my coffee. "You'll see."

       We entered the hardware store and walked up to the counter.  "Excuse me do you have two inch tarpaper tacks?"

       I bought a bagful of tacks and we left the store.  Jane had a look of understanding.

       "Trying to avoid county corrections?"

       "You know me too well… so now I must destroy you."  I made as if to strangle her.  She sidestepped.

       I shook my head.  We were walking along the road outside of town.  I pulled out the cigarettes and shook one out.

       "I didn't know you smoked." 

       I shrugged. "Only when my life goes to new levels of fucked up… This day definitely counts."

       She nodded.  "Can I have one?"

       I arched an eyebrow and looked at her.

       "What?" She asked, defensively. "I'm always open to new things."

       I shrugged again and gave her mine.  She took a hit and almost coughed her lungs up.  It took all the will I could muster not to laugh.

       "Don't worry that happens to everyone.  You wanna quit?"

       "No." _She's determined, I'll give her that._

_       I lit another one up for myself and we walked on.  Smoking in silence.  Then Jane spoke up.  "You know this is supposed to take ten years off of your life."_

       "Yeah, but like Denis Leary said.  It's the ten years of baby food and adult diapers that I don't want."

       Jane chuckled. "Leave it to Denis Leary to put things into perspective."

       We got back to the chopper and put it upright.  Then we sat down and leaned against it.

       "What time is it?" 

       Jane pulled a watch from her jacket pocket.  " Four o five on the dot."

       I nodded.  "We'd better be off then."

       "No more vehicular acrobatics right?"

       "I promise."

       We rode off down the road, skirting around the town.  It was really nice country.

       "Do you think they're still looking for us?"

       "Definitely."

       "What do we do if they catch up to us again?"

       "We tack 'em, see how many that takes care of.  Then try and outrun the rest."

       "What if they catch us?"

       "Before or after the tacks?"

       "Before."

       "Well, I'll be arrested for speeding, reckless endangerment, lack of insurance, lack of tags,  resisting arrest and vandalism.  You'll get off scott free."

       "How?"

" You'll tell them you're a hitchhiker and I picked you up.  You don't know anything about the rest of this mess.  Got it!?"

       "I will not, I'm going down for this with you."

       "No you aren't!  I Love you way too much to let that happen!"

       "You what!  You Love me?"

       "Yes! And if you don't tell them I kidnapped you then I will."

       "What happens if they catch us after the tacks?"

       "Well then you can add destruction of public property and aggravated assault to the list.  I'll be a multiple felon."

       "We can't let that happen!"

       "I know."

       We rode in silence for a while then.  The scenery rolled past.  Forest, intermittently interrupted by fields and farms.  Then the traffic started picking up.

       "We must be getting close." Jane said.

       I nodded.  I pulled around an eighteen-wheeler and looked ahead.  Then I realized why the traffic was getting congested.

       "Jane, I don't want to worry you but there's a police checkpoint on the bridge."

       "Aw hell.  What do we do now?"

       I looked around.  And a little ways up the river I saw our salvation.  I turned off of the road and once again into the forest.

       "Don't you get tired of this?" Jane asked.

       "But I want to take in the scenery."

       "Where are we headed?"

       "There's a railroad bridge up here.  If we go slow we can cross the bridge on the ties."

       "Are you absolutely insane?"

       "Yes, but that's beside the point.  Do you have a better idea?"

       "I guess you're right."

       We got to the railroad line and rode beside it until we came to the bridge.  It would be bumpy going but I could make it… Alone.

       "Jane, I want you to get off and walk across the bridge."

       "What?"

       "You have to walk, there's a good chance I'm gonna topple anyway, I don't need to worry about you.  Your safety is all I care about."

       "But I want to be with you."

       "You will be, once I get to the other side."

       "What if you don't get to the other side."

       "I'll make it, I promise.  Now go."  

       She got off of the chopper.  I pulled her close and kissed her. 

       "For luck.  Go."

       She tentatively stepped onto the first tie.  Then she stepped to the second.  It was a slow process, but she finally made it to the other side.  She waved for me to cross.  I eased the chopper over the rail onto the ties.  I slowly started to cross.  

       It was bumpy as hell and hard to keep balanced.  I was a little more than halfway across when Jane started waving frantically and pointing behind me.  I stopped and turned around.  Then I heard the whistle just as I saw the train coming.

       I turned and started toward the other bank.  _God, let me get out of this in one piece._

       I gunned it.  I was dead either way so I figured I should at least try to beat the train.  It was coming up quick.  I was doing all I could to maintain my balance and decent speed.  I made it across and jumped the rail.  The bike stalled and I fell off.  Both I and it rolled down the embankment.

       Jane ran up. "Are you alright!?"

       "I think I broke some ribs."  There was an intense pain in my chest.

       "Will you be alright?  Do you need to go to a hospital?"

       "No! They'd arrest me there.  Besides doctors can't do much for busted ribs anyway.  C'mon, help me get the bike upright."

       I winced as I stood.  Jane and I managed to get the chopper upright.

       "Let's go."

       Jane only nodded.  _This has got to be one of the worst days of both our lives._

       I started the bike and we rode along the river's edge until we came to a place where the embankment was gradual enough to get the chopper up it.  We rode through the woods for awhile.  Then came out on the road again.  I didn't see any cops so I just rode along the side to avoid the traffic that was getting progressively worse.

       Then I heard the siren.  I looked behind me and saw two cycle cops closing quick.  

       "Pull over!"  One of them yelled.

       I sighed and sped up.  "Jane, reach into the saddle bag and dump the nails on those bastards.  They've ruined my life enough."

       "Gotcha." I felt her bend over to feel around.  Then I heard her give a loud yell.  I turned around and saw the bag burst open in front of the cops.  They hit the tacks and toppled off of their bikes as their tires blew.  They had tried to stop so I doubt they were hurt.

       We followed the traffic along the side of the road as fast as we could.  We crested a hill and saw a gas station at the bottom.  There was a familiar Monaco in the parking lot.  I smirked.

       "Looks like they won the race." 

       We pulled into the parking lot. Napalm and Daria were standing beside the car.  I pulled up and balance on my leg to turn and get in close to the 'bluesmobile'.

       "I see you beat the crowd." Napalm said as I parked.

       I looked at him.  I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. "You could say that."

       "Hey Neal, when this trip started weren't those glasses on Napalm?" Jane asked.

       It was time to exchange war stories while we waited for the Tank.

**Part Four- Carpe Noctorne**

**(Neal's Night)**

       I sat on the ground, leaning against the 'bluesmobile'.  The Spiral had scared up a 55-gallon drum and some detritus to start a fire.  We had 'circled the wagons', so to speak, in a field a ways from the fairgrounds.  It was getting dark, but the fire provided some good light.

       My chest hurt.  It was bruised all to hell but I don't think I actually broke anything.  It hurt to move around a lot, so I just sat there.  I was thinking about what had happened during the events of the day, what new courses my life had taken.

       _I can't believe I told Jane I love her.  What do I do now?  Does she love me?  God, I almost got her killed.  If it had just been me I could deal with it.  But I almost got her killed…_

_       Then someone tapped me on the shoulder.  I turned to see who it was, and winced with the pain.  It was Jane and she looked worried._

       "Are you alright?"

       "I will be."

       "Here."  She held out a hip flask.

       "What's in it?"

       "Jesse's Wild Turkey.  He said it would deaden the pain."

       "No, just my senses.  I'm thankful anyway." I took a swig from the flask and shuddered as the whiskey burned my throat. "Here.  I'm not a drinker.  That's enough."

       She nodded and slipped the flask into her jacket pocket.  "About what you said today."

       "I said a lot today."

       "You know what I mean."

       "Yeah, I guess I do.  I did mean it."

       "Really."

       "Oh yeah." I gazed off.  Napalm and Daria were sitting and talking nearer the fire.  Trent, Jesse and Nick were playing some drinking game.  Max was off by himself.  Then I decided.

       "Jane?"

       "Yeah?"

       "Will you marry me?"

       "What!  That whiskey got right on top of you didn't it?"

       "No.  I mean it.  You don't have to answer now, or tomorrow or next week or this year.  I just want you to know I mean it and the question is out there.  This may seem a little fast but what can I say…"  I shrugged, not knowing how to finish.

       "I… I don't know what to say."

       "Don't say anything.  Just think about it… My side is killing me, I'm gonna hit the sack."  I stood and retrieved the bedroll from the chopper.  I spread it out near the fire and crawled in the sleeping bag.  I winced at the pain of movement but soon settled in.  I looked over and saw Jane standing, deep in thought, staring into the fire.  

       "G'night love." I whispered.  Then I blinked and everything went black.

**Part Five- Late Nights, Early Mornings.**

**(Napalm's Night)**

It was some time after midnight when the party stopped for those of us sober enough to go to sleep. The vehicles had been parked in wagon train fashion around fire built in a 55 gallon drum. We had finished having a little fun around the fire and it was time to rest. Daria and I mumbled something about "seats" to each other. I'm not sure what, neither of us was awake really. I got in the driver's seat and she got in the passenger side. Once in I glanced at her. 

       "I thought I had the front seat?" I asked.

       "I thought you said I should?"

       "Oh, did I?" I was honestly too tired to remember.

       "Maybe." She was blinking.

       "You tired?" I asked as I strained to see her through tired eyes.

       "Kinda." Her head slumped back against the side. I took off my glasses and set them on the dash before rubbing my eyes. 

       "That's nice." Then I blinked.

       When I awoke all I saw was black. My head was pressed against something. I blinked some and thought this was it. I'd gone blind. But why did blindness feel like cotton? I lifted my head and blurry made out the form of the girl before me. I must have nodded at some point and just dropped straight on her.

       "Daria?"

       No response. VERY good. I knew I fell asleep after she did because I think she would have killed me for falling asleep on her. I tried conjuring up thoughts of last night, where had I left my glasses?

       I reached my hand over and found them on the dash. I put them on and strained to clear my eyes. I managed to focus on Daria and that was good enough. Finally I noticed the sun wasn't up yet. I checked my pocket watch and found it to be a little after six am. Chances are I was the only non-local up in a five mile radius. 

       "Sleep tight." I patted Daria on the shoulder before getting out. I stretched and walked over to the sleeping bag. Weren't they cute. Dammit, cute couples depress single guys like me. I glance over at Daria. Maybe not for much longer though. I walk over to the Tank and glanced in, but Jesse's boot blocked most of my view.  Situation: normal. I could see the gas station in the distance and decided I was up for the walk. I would have drove but I didn't want to wake Daria. 

       The walk to the gas station was uneventful but then I saw something that made me stop in my tracks- Three Sheriff's cars. Just like the ones we out ran the other day. I knew they never saw my face so I felt safe to walk in. I entered the shop and saw four troopers sitting at the table drinking coffee. Another was talking with the owner. As I went to the Cappuccino machine and began to fill up a 64 oz. cup I listened in on them.

       "So you catch the villains?" The owner asked.

       "No sir, but we did get the plate number of the van, unfortunately the shitbox Dodge accelerated too quickly and the damn Harley had an anarchy plate in place of tags so in a place like this that's a useless lead to follow up on."

       I needed to go warn the guys!

       "OW!" I yelped. I had over filled the Cappuccino and some got onto my hand. The troopers took notice and looked at me funny. I made a smug grimace and then proceeded to fill up six more coffee cups. I decided I had to stall the cops.  I took the drinks up to the cashier and he rung up the cost. I paid then motioned to the troopers.

       "Sir, here's ten, the next round of coffee for these guys is on me." I announced. 

       As I hurried back to our little encampment I knew now no one could say I didn't respect the forces of law and order. Or the local sheriff's department.  This might be an interesting day.

**TO BE CONTINUED!!**

Neal's Author's Notes: I want to thank Napalm, without whom this fic would never have been written.  Thank you.  Next. Did I propose to Jane!  What the Hell is wrong with me? Nothing.  What's with Napalm and Daria?  Are they getting together?  Looks that way don't it.  You might want to ask Napalm about that though.  Some of the things you did on that motorcycle couldn't be done!  You're probably right.  With the exception of the Railroad bridge.  That little scene comes, train chase and all, from the pages of my Uncle Randy's life story.

Napalm's Author's Notes: I'm glad Neal's letting me do this story with him. I thought it was an interesting premise to say the least. You may be wondering about some of the stuff my alter ego did in the car. Yes, I admitted my feelings to Daria, yes I finished my story before Neal and he borrowed some stuff from me and yes, a Monaco interceptor can do nearly 140 under the right conditions. But can anyone tell me what you call that little hole you put the gas into the car? About Daria- I'm going to get with her even if it kills me. 


	9. Impulses

**Stuck in Lawndale**

**By Neal C. and Napalm Krigbaum**

**Ch 6- Impulses**

**Part One- A Survivor's Tale**

**(Napalm's Morning)**

I had just gotten back into the Monaco to get something out of the glove compartment when Daria stirred.

       "Morning."

       "Why's everything so dark?"

       "You're wearing my sunglasses."

       She took them off, squinted at me then put the glasses back on.

       "Morning to you too. What time is it?"

       "Seven ten."

       She stretched and looked around.

       "If you're not too tired can you help me with something?" I asked.

       "No, I won't massage your tense back if that's what it is."

       "I need you to help me switch my plates."

       "Okay."

       "Then we can talk about my back."

       I couldn't tell with the glasses but I could sense she was ticked at that last comment. We went to the trunk and I popped it. Inside were some useful goodies that I'd have to move from the trunk into the car later, such as flares, a tool case and a bag of dry wall nails. (When did I get one of those?)

       "Carpet tacks?" She queried.

       "They're dry wall nails." 

       "Nice collection." Daria remarked.

       I pulled out what I was looking for- two Connecticut state plates.

       "BDR 529."

       "Your plates?"

       "Yeah, they're copies from the original Bluesmobile, except in Connecticut state." 

       "What if they get run?"

       "I already thought of that and I know for a fact there really is a man in this state with a '74 Bluesmobile with these plates. Chances are he isn't here."

       "Don't you think of everything?" She replied sarcastically.

       A few minutes later we had the plates switched off and nothing to do again. I was leaning against the car and she was sitting on the hood with one of her boots resting on the push bars when it hit me.

       "Daria, stay right there!"

       "Want to paint this picture?"

       "Something like that."

       "Gee, want me to do it with or without the clothes?" 

       "Either way works for me."

       I reached into the passenger window and opened the glove box I found the camera and looked for someone to take the picture.  Max! He was just standing by the Tank and keeping guard. I walked over to him to see if he'd help me.

       "Max can you help me with something?"

       "Sure, what do you need?"

       "To take a picture."

       "Cool."

       We headed back to the Bluesmobile, where Daria sat boredly looking around.

       "Put your head up a little more."

       "Why?"  
       "You'll see."

       She complied and looked up a bit more. I rest against the car again and Max took the picture.

       "Thanks."

       "So what was this all about?" Daria asked.

       "I'll show you. I couldn't pass it up."

       I put the camera back in the glove compartment and when I came back to her I had the cover to the Blues Brothers soundtrack in my hand.

       "Can I call you 'Joliet'?"

       "And who are you, 'Romeo'?"

       "I said 'Joliet', not "Juliet'."

       I showed her the cover- Elwood resting against the Bluesmobile and Jake sitting on top, just like us. She's much cuter than Jake though.

       "I see. Hey, why do I get to be the fat one?"

       "Because you're not the tall one."

       "The tall one is the fat one now."

       I shrugged it off. "Oh well."

       "I should have brought a book with me." She said out loud.

       "I have an owner's manual for the 1974-76 Dodge Monaco & Coronet."

       "As tempting as that sounds I'll pass."

       "Want to reconnoiter the area then, see where all the food places are."

       "Tempting…"

       "We can go make fun of the bands practicing."

       She hopped off the hood. "Let's go."

       We decided against trying to drive in the traffic, which had began to slowly pick up again. The country road near us was a wall of vehicles on both sides, some with people hanging out of them. We followed the road a little ways into town, we passed the gas station and a few other lone buildings before the rural areas around the town gave way to the urban area, by urban I mean a few streets apparently laid 60 years ago and not repaired since WW II ended. 

       "What are the odds it's a nickel a coke?" Daria said aloud.

       "Let's find out."

       We walked into a café, it was very old looking and it just reeked of that smell old buildings and books acquire. Inside it had that rustic feeling and look only maintained by people who found their style in the forties and never changed it. Or, judging from the smell anything else. Daria and I sat at a wooden table near the wall while we waited for an older lady to cross the room to greet us.

       "Good morning children." She said cheerfully. I haven't been called a child since I hit puberty, somewhere around age 6. I gave a solemn head nod.

       "Ma'am."

       "Would you two like anything to drink?" She asked in the same pleasant tone.

       "Milk." Daria replied.

       "Coffee."

       "Black or without caffeine?"

       "Black."

       "We'll be with you in a moment deary."

       With those words the old lady shuffled away. Daria waited a few moments before she spoke.

       "I haven't been called 'deary' since my grandmother came to visit."

       "I don't think I've ever been 'deary'. A 'dear', sure, but not 'deary'."

       Moments later the old lady returned with my coffee and Daria's milk.

       "Have you decided one what to eat?"

       "White toast." Daria responded.

       "Anything else?"

       "Ma'am, until I can find the port-o-potties I'm not eating anything bigger than white toast."

       "Oh, would you have any butter on that, then?"

       "Dry."

       "I see." She said in a funny tone. Then she turned to me.

       "And you young man."

       I couldn't pass this one up.

       "Four fried chickens and a coke."

       She began to look at me funny.

       "We don't serve that for breakfast."

       "Then I'll have what she's having."

       She nodded her head. "Anything else?"

       Daria shook her head.

       "No." I responded.

       "I'll be back shortly then."

       She hurriedly scurried back to the kitchen.

       "She looked at me like I was some kind of freak." Daria said.

       "Is a beatnik close enough? You are dressed all in black."

       She looked down at herself. I spied the sugar and creamers so I grabbed a few. First I started with the sugar, I put about four packets in before I could tell through the sunglasses Daria was looking at me funny.

       "Now you're looking at me like that old lady." I said.

       "You just dumped four bags of sugar into your coffee."

       "Thanks for keeping count, now I have four more to go through." I shrugged. "I hate black coffee, and they didn't have Cappachino available."

       She just sat there bored as I dumped the last four packets in. Then I began with the creamer but Daria stopped me.

       "Would you like some real milk?"

       "Sure."

       She dumped some of the milk from her glass into my coffee.

       "Thanks."

       "It's not like I could have drank all of that anyway."

       I stirred the coffee, once black now a light shade of brown. I took a sip and it was good. 

       "Ever hear _Bad Moon Rising?" I asked Daria._

       "I think so."

       "Want to hear it?"

       "You're not going to sing are you?"

       "No."

       I pulled a harmonica case from one of my pockets. I put the harp to my lips and began to play my rendition of _Bad Moon Rising. _

       "That was okay, I think."

       I wiped it off on my shirt. "You know anything?"

       "Just a few of the usual and some others."

       "Can I here you play?" I set the harp in front of her.

       "Ever hear this one?" She picked it up and blew familiar tune.

       "Taps."

       "That was okay, I think." I said trying to mimic her voice, but she's too high.

       She began to play another one when the old lady came back with our breakfast. 

       "I knew it! I knew it!"

"What?" We asked.

" I wasn't gonna judge you on your clothes, but I knew you were a beatnik! Get out! We don't serve your kind here! So you and your boyfriend is going to have to leave before you corrupt this here establishment."

She set down the food on a nearby table before grabbing Daria's shoulder, on reflex I grabbed the old bat's wrist with a tight grip.

"Let go." I growled. I gave her a look which said I didn't care if she killed me, she wasn't going to touch Daria like that. She shakily complied and let go of Daria. In turn I let go of her wrist. Daria took a drink of her milk and stood up.

"I think we should go." Daria announced.

She walked past me and I brought up the rear after I tossed two dollars onto the table. It was now nearly ten and we hadn't had anything to eat. We walked down the street and I think I could hear Daria's stomach growl.

"You forgot this." She handed me my harp, I shoved it back in my pocket. I had left the case on the table.

"How did you do that in there?" She asked.

"Piss off an old lady?" 

"No, your eyes." Daria replied.

"My eyes are hazel, when I turn my head quickly, under the right lighting my eyes will appear to flash green like that."

"Cool trick. Too bad you can't teach it."

"It's a gift."

We walk some more until it felt like our feet were going to wear out when a gas station came up ahead.

"How about we just eat there?" I asked Daria.

"But do you think they'll serve beatniks like us?"

Yes, they did. Several cheap muffins, another cup of milk and a Cappachino later we were ready for lunch. But first we had to rest a little in the air conditioning. We sat in the booth in the gas station and look outside. It was boring out there, nothing would begin until three.

"And they call me boring." Daria observed.

"Think any of the bands are up and practicing?"

"The semi-sober ones."

"Want to go watch them?"

"Then what are we going to do after lunch?"

"Good point."

We sat in silence, this dull morning was dragging.

"Want to help me find a new harp case?"

"Too much like clothes shopping, but what the Hell?" 

Two hours later we had come to a decision- this town sucks. It didn't have a store that sells harp cases and we were stuck playing the town's newest arcade game- a original copy of Lethal Defender. The original game with a gun to shoot. But, in order to play it we had to go in the back room since it 'wasn't appropriate for young eyes' and the manager sat back there and tried to talk to us while we played since he didn't want us 'doing things us young beatniks do'. Near the end of the hours Daria had enough of being referred to as 'beatnik'. 

"We're not beatniks." Daria explained.

"Then why's you wearin' black and him with that cammy-flage and that feather in his hat?"  
       "It's because after we were stripped and left for dead along side of the road these were all we could find." I explained.

Then we were kicked out of there too and we were back to pounding the old pavement. At least he didn't try to grab Daria. I looked up- now the sun was high in the sky.

"This morning is like Dave Attell's Insomniac in reverse." I remarked.

Daria didn't respond. Then I noticed that Daria, dressed in black, looked really hot.

"Daria, you look really hot."

"Stop trying to come onto me."

"I mean hot like sweating and red, ready to pass out."

"Why aren't you hot? You have on that thick jacket."

"It's a summer jacket." At least that's what it says on the woodland field jacket's tag.

" I think I just need water."  She panted.

I looked around. A Burger World was just a few hundred yards ahead and across the street.

"I think you can get some water there."

We walked over to Burger World and into it's air conditioned bliss. Then we got into its not so blissful line the moment the door opened. 

"This might take a while to get through the line." Daria said. I looked at my watch, it was almost noon.

"While we're at it we should probably order lunch for everyone."

"If we live that long." Daria spat. She sounded hot too. Yes, that has a double meaning. 

After about fifteen minutes we made it to the front of the line, by then Daria had cooled off some and looked a little less red. We ordered and when they handed Daria the cup of water they accidentally spilled it on her.  We ate our meals inside before heading out with the rest of the food.

"At least the meal was free." I mused on our way back to the camp.

"Not from my point of view." Daria responded.

"This sounds like a scene from Star Wars."

We walked the rest of the way back to camp talking about that and other related topics. Can you say six degrees of boredom?  Star Wars-Alec Guinness-Bridge Over the River Kwai- Japanese brutality in WW II. It may have been boring but I enjoyed the conversation and the person I was having it with. That made this lousy morning worthwhile.****

**Part Two- Acceptance**

**(Neal's Morning)**

**      By the time I woke up, the sun was already high in the sky.  It was getting hot.  I opened my eyes and looked into the noonday sky.  I sat up, hurting my side in the process.  I grimaced at the pain.  **

       I stood up and walked around.  I hadn't slept on the ground in ages and I was stiff from it.  I stretched and walked over to the Tank.  True to form the members of the Spiral were still passed out.  Except for Max.   He was sitting in the meager shade the van provided.

       "Hey man." He greeted.

       "Yo." I sat beside him.  "So what's up."

       "Nuthin'.  I'm supposed to be keeping watch.  Wait for you and the guys to wake up.  The music starts at three."

       I nodded. "So where is everyone?"

       He shrugged. "Napalm and Daria went out for the morning.  Jane said something about having a lot to think about so she went for a run."

       "Have you seen any cops yet?"

       "Nah.  I put the new tags on the Tank.  I had 'em sitting in the glove box.  Never got around to putting them on though.  Napalm took the plate off the chopper. He said the cops would recognize it."

       "That's fine."

       "Hey you play punk guitar right?"

       "Yeah."

       "You wanna enter the contest with Nick and me?"

       "Huh?  Aren't you entering with Mystik Spiral?"

       "Yeah.  But you can enter in more than one band… And I really wanna play punk again."

       _Oh, I get it.  Skinhead punk.      _

_       "Eh, I dunno."_

       "Well, will you think about it?"

       "Yeah, I can do that."

       Then Daria and Napalm walked into camp with a bag of Burger World takeout.  Napalm walked over.  

       "Decide to join us in the land of the waking?"

       I rolled my eyes. "Not voluntarily."

       He smirked. "Here."  He handed me a burger.

       "Thanks.  Burger World Super Beefy Burger… breakfast of champions."

       Daria walked up.  "Champions of the eating contest."

       The smell of food slowly woke the rest of the Spiral and they tumbled out of the Tank.

       "What time is it?" Trent asked.

       "After noon." I replied

       "That early?"

       "Yeah, that's what I thought."

       We all sat around the barrel and ate and made our plans for the day.  Trent and Jesse were going to go get the band booked for the battle on Sunday.  Nick and Max were going to go check up on the competition.  Napalm and Daria were going to go make fun of the alts.  Jane still hadn't showed up.

       I guess everyone sensed I was kinda down.  They all asked if I wanted to come.  But I declined all of them.  Then I went and sat back down by the Tank.  Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max wandered off.  Napalm approached me.

       "Are you sure you don't wanna come with us?"

       I nodded. "Yeah, I'm gonna wait for Jane to show up."

       "Positive?"

       "Yeah."

       "Oh well, that'll leave me alone to spend my afternoon with a beautiful girl."

       He looked at me kinda worriedly.  Then he and Daria left camp.

       I sat back against the tank and winced as the pain shot through my side.  It wasn't as bad as it had been, so I was probably healing.

       _What do I do now?  I probably fucked up my relationship with Jane up beyond all recognition.  I should never have asked her that.  That was so stupid of me.  Too soon… too soon._

_       I sighed, trying to work things out in my head.  It wasn't going very well.  Finally I stood and retrieved Trent's acoustic from the Tank.  I climbed in and started working on the chord progressions of a new song that was formulating in my head._

       I kept coming up with minors and muted power chords.  It sounded very turbulent and troubled.  It echoed my psyche, as music tends to do.  It also sounded profoundly sad, like a lost child.

       I sat and played for a while.  It didn't sound all that wonderful.  Of course, that may be because power chords are the domain of electric guitars.  Then I heard her.

       "Yo." Jane said softly.

       "Hey." I answered, not turning around.

       "We need to talk"

       I nodded and turned around.  She was sitting in the sliding door of the tank.  I was cross-legged inside.  She pushed the dirt outside around with her boot. 

"Yeah, we do." I sat the guitar down and slid over to sit next to her. "About last night…"

"Yes." She said, looking at me.

"Wha…"  _I couldn't have heard that right._

"I said yes.  I'll do it.  I'll tie the noose."

"I… You… We… Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Guys like you don't just appear out of the middle of nowhere everyday.  It's only happened once that I know of… Twice if you count Napalm.  It's fate I guess."

"I'm not a fatalist.  If you aren't ready it's Okay."

"I'm ready.  I'm headed for college, full art scholarship.  I don't have to worry about supporting myself _and paying for school.  You'll be able to get a job at a studio somewhere.  We can stay at the house until we get our own apartment."  She put her hands in mine. "I want to do this."_

I stared into her eyes.  It was there.  _SHE LOVES ME!!! THIS NICE GUY FINISHED FIRST!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!_

"Wahooooo!!" I yelled.

"Settle down.  Now what do we do?"

"I guess we tell everyone else… Unless you want to go to the courthouse and keep it a secret for now."

She looked at me.  Then grinned evilly. "That's great… let's make em' figure it out on their own.  Do we get rings?"

"Nah, too cliché." I thought for a moment. "Rings… I've got it.  What gauge are your earrings?"

"Bottom to top, Ten, twelve and fourteen."

"Perfect."  I extracted my bottom earring.  "This is a ten gauge too.  Here." I handed mine to her. "Now give me yours." She took hers off and handed it to me.  I put it in my ear and she put mine in hers.  

"Nice engagement ring. You can't tell the difference." She said.

"Yeah, but we know… and that's all that matters."  I looked at her.  "You know, we're engaged now and no one's around to bother us…" I wiggled my eyebrows.

Jane smirked and slid the Tank's side door shut… 

Part Three- Party All Night Long

**(Napalm's Evening)**

Daria and I had just made it in time to see the opening act: Some guy with tattoos whining at the top of his lungs while a guitarist just did stuff in the background. It set the mood for the afternoon. But before we could set around and listen to the music we  had to find a place to sit down in the packed field. 

       "There's a good place." I said.

       "Good?"

       "Good as in, better than in a ditch."

       We walked over to the spot  then we realized he had forgotten something very important.

       "Napalm, weren't you suppose to bring the blanket?"

       "I thought you were? I have the ice chest." I held the evidence of that up.

       "Oops."  
       "It's all right."

       I took off my field jacket, took the stuff out of it's pockets then spread it out to sit on.

        "Does this work for you?" I asked.

       "Good enough for government work.."

       We sat down and grabbed drinks as we observed the gyrating whiners on stage.

       "Is it just me or does that guy on stage have no talent?"

       "The talent probably ran off with his shirt." She replied.

       "And his  pants." The guy on stage wore nothing but a pair of Doc Martens and sock over his…little thingie.

       We were comfortably settled down on the jacket when I took my chance, I brought my hand from my lap and let it swing down to my side and into her hand. She waited a moment before saying anything. 

       "This is as far as you're getting, you know that right?"

       "Far enough for me." I responded.

       I let her take a little more hold onto my hand before we continued watching the bands play.  

After a few more bands like that we got bored. Time for a normal conversation again.

       "Have you ever done this before?" I asked.

       "I've never gone all the way."

       "How was the car last night?"

       "It was a good vinyl seat. Had a dream about scratching a cat though." She said knowingly.

       "Sorry about that. I figured if you knew you'd have killed me by now."

       "You weren't conscious or anything, it looks like you just fell asleep and landed on me. I don't care."

       "I'm happy. You get much sleep last night?"

       "About four hours, for another hour I just played with your head. So if you find any crop circles in there, it's from me."

       "Done with love no doubt."

       She pointed at the stage.

       "This can't be happening." She said.

       I looked up and she was right. Beavis and Butt-Head were on stage and with a band.

       "He-he-he-m-he-he-he. We'd like to dedicate this song to that little whore who never gave us any." Beavis said.

       "Huh-huh-huh. We call it, the Diarrhea Song, a Cornholio and the Butt Munches original."

       Daria shook her head and it appeared she was very embarrassed.

       "I have a rifle in the car, I can get it and put them out of our misery if you like." I offered.

       "Thanks for the offer but I'll decline. Rifles aren't personal enough." She spat.

       We watched their act and it was pitiful. They started off by jumping around the stage pretending to play air guitar. Apparently they had hired a band to play the actual crappy music. Beavis started-

       _Wank on! We knew a girl, Diarrhea! Diarrhea! She would flirt with me but never put out!_

       Then Butt-Head started up.  

       _Dirty slut! Dirty slut! She smelt so bad it was like an odor from my butt. Huh-huh._

       "I think I'll kill them later." Daria said as she watched.

       _Tanqueria! Tanqueria! She was just a little whore! Wore a skimpy top and not much more! She sounded vaguely like-_

       Butt-Head and the band backed their front-dork up again.

       _Diarrhea! Diarrhea! Our favorite school time slut! She would do every guy behind the nacho hut!_

       "Except us!" Butt-Head yelled. Then Beavis tossed in another nasty part.

       _She'd even do them from the butt! _

       "Is there something I should know about you?" I asked Daria.

       "My legs used to be wide enough for a semi-truck to drive through, but that was before I joined the church and saw the light."

       "What did the light tell you?"

       "Nothing much but then it hit me- the band, Napalm, the band!"

       "The band? The band. The band? The band!" I finished in my best Elwood.

       "I'm quoting Blues Brothers, this is your fault."

       "I'll take the responsibility."

       "At least they didn't mention me by my real name." But the song wasn't over yet. Beavis still had another verse to let out.

       _Diarrhea Morgendorffer is a dirty slut! She so blind she'd screw anybody for a buck! _

Daria ducked her head low so no one could see her as the band just played some wild chords until the end as Beavis, as Cornholio runs around on the stage talking nonsense and Butt-Head chanted "Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!"  Eventually they did end though and another crappy band for us to make fun of replaced them.

"You know what I just realized Daria?"

"You're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place?"

"You know who we sound like when we sit around and make fun of bad bands?"

"Who?"

I did the impression the best I could. "Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh."

"Just as long as you're Butt-Head." She replied.

"Fine Beavis." I was tempted to smack her in the head but I don't think she would have liked that much.

"I'm not Beavis, I'm Daria."

"Diarrhea the dirty slut?"

She smacked me. "I thought I was supposed to do the smacking?" I asked.

"Not this time."

We watched the bands play on and what can I say, some acts deserved record contracts thrown at them and other deserved to have records thrown at them. Eventually night fell and we were still there, kind of. Daria's four hours of sleep was catching up with her and it finally did with a vengeance. We were talking then plop! She fell over backwards and just started sleeping. 

"Daria? Daria? Diarrhea?"

No answer. I shook her shoulder. Still no response. She was out. That meant I couldn't just leave her here and grab a bite to eat. Unless…no, I could carry her as far as the car. I shook her a little more roughly, she blinked, mumbled and then went back to sleep, looking like some kind of angel. She was out and there was nothing I could do about it except wrap the coat around her for warmth and take off the glasses so she didn't break them. Eventually people started leaving and except for a few couples making out we were alone in this converted field. I put my hat on the ground and tried to get some sleep. It would be a long chilly night.

When I came to that morning I found the coat on me and Daria sitting Indian style in front of me.

"I was worried I'd have to leave you. It seemed like you'd never wake up." She said.

"Same to you. You nodded off last night, I couldn't get you to wake up, couldn't move you, so I was stuck in this field, minus jacket making sure no one messed with you."

"Sounds like my morning. I woke up some time before sun up, found myself with a jacket over me and I couldn't see a thing. Then I saw you and figured out what happened. Sorry."

I handed her back the sunglasses.

"Thanks for being there for me."

"Well I couldn't leave you." She replied.

"Thanks." 

"I couldn't see my way around without glasses on." She teased.

"I know the feeling." I took off my glasses and waved them around for a moment. "Thankfully these things are made of flexon and bend instead of break. Want to get breakfast on our way back to camp?"

"Let's go."

We got up and went for breakfast down at the gas station on our way to the camp. It may have been a lousy night but I think it brought us closer together so it was worth it.

**Part Four- Tying the Noose**

**(Neal's Evening)**

       Jane and I lay bundled together in the bedroll in the back of the Tank.  She looked stunning.  It was a moment.

       "I can't believe we did it in the _Tank.  Isn't there something intrinsically wrong with that?"_

       "What can I say?  I'm the guy your mother warned you about."

       "No, that honor goes to Richard Nixon… She was having a flashback."

       I snickered. "Good one."

       "I wasn't joking."

       "Oh." 

       "You know, we'd better get going if we want to get to the courthouse before it closes."

       I nodded. "You're absolutely right.  Let's go… Uh, where'd I throw my pants?"

       "Wait, do you think they'll arrest us if we show up at the courthouse."

       "Not if we don't ride the chopper.  There are tons of purple haired guys here.  If we walk we'll be fine."

       "If you say so… Hmmm."

       "What?"

       "I think we should dress up a little.  You know, getting married is a pretty big thing."

       "I didn't bring any other clothes."

       "Well I did and I'm going to wear them."

       Later we emerged from the Tank into the late afternoon sun.  I was wearing my usual fatigue pants and blue, dead smiley t-shirt.  Jane, however, was dressed in a cut off t-shirt that had the word 'punk' printed on it, a ragged black skirt, fishnet stockings and her boots.

       "Where did you pick that stuff up?" I asked.

       "Well I made the shirt.  The skirt was Daria's, until the neighbor's dog got to it.  And I bought the fishnets on a whim at the Funky Doodle.  I guess they finally have a use."

       "They look hot… I still can't believe you want to get married in that outfit though."

       She smirked. "I'm all about breaking traditions.  Besides, look at yourself.  You aren't exactly dressed up."

       I shrugged. "I guess you're right.  C'mon, we'd better get a move on." I put my hand in Jane's and we walked off towards town.

       Only one word can describe Swedesville… Anachronism.  It looked like it was ripped right out of a friggin' Norman Rockwell painting.  I think there were only four paved streets in the whole burg, and they were more pothole than street.

       Jane looked around. "This is kinda scary.  Like, Twilight Zone scary."

       I nodded. "How do these people survive?"

       She shrugged.

We walked on until we came to a tin building.  It had a sign out front that read: 

Scandia County Court House

   I looked around.  No cops.  I turned to Jane. "Are you ready for this."

       I felt her hand was trembling slightly.  She took a deep breath and steadied herself.  "Yeah… Yeah I am."

       "I love you."

       "I know."

       I pushed the door open and we walked into the oven that was the courthouse.  

       "You think they could invest in an air conditioner." Jane said.

       "These people don't know they've been invented yet."

I looked around.  The place really was just a courthouse.  It had a small area with a desk and a counter.  It had a sign that said: 

Scandia County Treasurer, DMV, Clerk and Human Services Advisor  

There was an older woman behind the desk, typing.  The rest of the place was taken up by folding chairs, two tables and the Judge's bench.

   "Oh a Swiss army desk." Jane said, reading the sign.

       I chuckled slightly.  We approached the desk.

       "Excuse me."  I said.

       The woman looked up.  "Can I help ya'll with somthin'?"

       "Yes, we'd like to apply for a marriage license."

       "Okay, wait a second."  She went through a filing cabinet. "You'd be surprised how many of these we get durin' the festival."  She found what she was looking for and brought a slip of paper over to the counter.   "You need to fill this out."

       I filled out my section of the license.  Then passed the paper to Jane.  She looked at it for a moment then turned to me.  "Is it okay if I keep my own last name?"

       "Whatever makes you happy.  I didn't exactly pick Chaucer either."

       "Thanks." She finished filling out the form.  

The woman took it over to the desk and typed something onto another form.  Then she stamped the license.  She walked back over and handed us the carbon copy.  

       "Now all you got to do it have Judge Leopold sign it.  I'll ring his chambers."  She picked up the phone and dialed the extension.

       I turned to Jane. "Leopold?"

       The woman talked on the phone for a second then hung up and turned to us.  "He'll see you right now.  Through that door over there."

       I approached the door with some trepidation.  Jane was right behind me.  I knocked on the door.

       "C'mon in.  Door's open." Came a voice from inside.

       I opened the door and saw the judge.  He was a older man, he was putting on a hunting vest when we walked in.  I noticed the walls were covered with trophies.  Head mounts and stuffed fish and whatnot.

       "Darlene tells me ya'll want to get married.  Is that so?"

       "Yes your honor." I said.

       "Aw, don't bother with that 'your honor' stuff.  We aren't in the courtroom.  Ya'll can call me judge.  I was just about to leave when Darlene called up, so lets make this quick.  I gotta ask you a few questions."

       "Shoot." I said.

       "Well, How old are ya?"

       "I'm eighteen."

       "Miss, how old are you?"

       "Nineteen."

       I looked at Jane.  _She's nineteen?_

_       "Neither one of ya is drunk at the moment right?" He smirked, joking._

       "Not that I know of." Jane said.  I shook my head.

       "Well then lets get on with it.  By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I pronounce you man and wife.  Let me sign that."

       I handed him the license.  He signed both copies and handed them back.  

       "Give the original to Darlene on yer way out and you kids have fun."

       We turned to leave when he spoke again, sounding more serious.  "You don't happen to ride a motor-sickle do ya son?"

       I turned.  "Nope.  We drove up here with my band.  In a van."

He picked a piece of paper up from his desk and handed it to me.  It read:

WANTED

Purple Haired Teen. 

Last seen riding a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle.

Vehicle had blue flame painted on gas tank

And 'anarchy' sign instead of license plate.

$500.00 Reward.

Photo not available.

       "Well if you see someone fitting the description, you come on in here and report it okay?"    

       "Sure thing judge." I nodded my good bye and left the office.

       Jane gave the original copy of the license to Darlene as we left. "That'll be fifty dollars for the processing fee." I handed her the money.

We walked out of the court house into the light of the early evening setting sun.  

       "What do we do now?" I asked.

       Jane shrugged.  "We could go listen to the music."

       "Eh… We can hear it all too well from camp."

       Jane smirked. "I guess that's right.  We could grab supper somewhere."

       "That's a start… Jane, what do we do for a honeymoon?"

       "New York's not all that far away."

       "I wish I could afford to take you to New York.  I dropped my last fifty on the license." I said, glumly.

       "I have one of Mom's blank checks." Jane said.  I stopped walking and looked into her eyes.

       "We can't do that.  That's like stealing."

       "No, Mom always said she'd pay for my wedding.  Well, I didn't have a wedding so she can pay for my honeymoon." Jane took my hands in hers.  "Let's go… right now!"

       "You are impulsive, reckless and a little dangerous.  That's why I married you.  We have to leave a note for the guys though."

       Jane nodded. "We can do that much.  Let's go get everything."

       We picked up the pace and made it back to camp.  I took a page from Jane's sketchbook and scribbled a note explaining the situation and left under Napalm's windshield wiper.

       "Well I guess this blows the secret." I said.

       "They would have found out eventually.  And the fact that we eloped oughta shock 'em enough." Jane smiled.

       I nodded and smiled back.  We got everything packed and got on the chopper.  I started her up and headed off into the sunset.  This _was the story, the __American Dream.  We __had drummed it up on our own, and now we were cashing the check._

Neal C.'s Author's Notes:  Did I do what you think I did? Yep.  Expect _The New York Minute (tentative title of the next fic) sometime.  Why, isn't this a little quick?  Yes it is a little fast, if you go by the timeline it's only been about a month and a week since Jane and I even met.  But this is a fanfic, I know I'm probably impulsive enough to do it and Jane definitely appears to be that impulsive so I think it is true to the characters.  Speaking of the timeline, Napalm brought up the fact that I skipped from my first day to my first month (There are no fics between Fear and Loathing in Lawndale and Party!)  The reason for this is the fact that I want to get the major details of the continuum down.  I'll add some of the more mundane stuff (by Daria standards) that happens through vignettes that I'll post as I write them.****_


End file.
